#(by being ‘‘hopeful’’ ~despite their pain; by healing in a way they approve of etc.)

[laufire]

[Caption: the first self reblog contains a screenshot to another post, saying "Media that emphasizes cruelty is written by those who dream of the battlefield. Media that emphasizes optimism is written by those who have survived the battlefield." The last self reblog contains a screenshot to a reply left on this post by user swamp-spirit; it says "Thank you this post has been driving me up the wall. Like... even naive, edgelord pessimism is often an attempt to process intense emotions that are outsized to the current situation. Sometimes teens idealize the battlefield because then they'd understand why they wanted to die. And by that I mean sometimes teens need to write about being an evil lab experiment with hetrochromia."]

hey guys, i solved it! optimistic fiction and pessimistic fiction have the same moral value! we’ve done it! we’re free

[justanotherblonde23]

You Can’t Please Everyone - A Marcus Moreno Story

Author’s Note: Welcome to Part 3 of my Marcus Moreno and Doctor Iris Moreno one shot series! This wasn’t originally the one I planned on releasing today, but I was going through it last night and @autumnleaves1991-blog​ suggested that I write my feelings out and let it all pour into my writing. She was right, I felt so much better afterwards. Still no descriptions for what Dr. Moreno looks like, I want you to feel like you can see yourself as her <3 Thank you all for your love and encouragement, I really appreciate it. 

Warnings: angst, crying, parental problems, hurt/comfort, pregnancy mentions, language

Let me know what you think, what you’d like me to write next, want to be on a tag list for this series, etc. I want to interact with you all! 

Iris opened the front door, trying her best to be quiet; she didn’t want to wake the kids. If Marcus got the timing right, their girls should have just finished their bedtime routine and have settled in for the night. She took her jacket off, hanging it up in the coat closet. All she wanted was to grab a glass of wine and curl up and have a good cry. Unfortunately, being pregnant meant no alcohol, so she would soldier through with a good cry in the shower, maybe. 

Her heels clacked on the stairs. She went slowly, her heart and mind weary. Both girls had their doors open a crack, the universal sign that they wanted kisses and to be tucked in by momma, too, even if she came home a bit late. The drowsy kisses and ‘I love yous’ filled her with joy, covering the ache just a little. She knew that no matter what went wrong throughout the day, she would always be coming home to two precious little girls that loved her dearly. At this point, she couldn’t even imagine life without them. 

Marcus was right where she expected him to be, in bed curled up with a good book. It still blew her away every time she stopped and realized that he was hers, and she was his. Being his wife, it was bliss in every sense of the word. She hadn’t expected him to propose; how could she when his last marriage ended the way it did? Iris would have been happy to be with him forever in any way that he’d have her, but she had to admit that she had wanted to be his wife. She had changed her name as fast as humanly possible, for the thought of being Dr. Moreno filled her with pride. He had suggested keeping her last name or maybe hyphenating it after he proposed. He knew how hard she had worked to make that name worth something, and he didn’t want to take that away from her. She had appreciated the gesture, but she insisted that her work was her own, no matter her last name. She wanted to share everything with Marcus Moreno, including his last name. 

The man in question looked up, giving her one of his earth-shattering smiles, the one that made her feel as if she was the center of his universe. How could she not melt when his soft brown eyes held her gaze, baring his soul to her? She loved this beautiful man with every breath she took. 

He frowned when he noticed her eyes had welled with tears, leaving black mascara tracks down her cheeks. Silently, he stood up, gently unzipping her dress for her and helping her into a shirt of his that she loved to wear to bed. He knew that she would talk to him when she was ready. He would wait her out; it was better not to press her. Marcus led her into the bathroom, sitting her up on the counter while he cleaned her face with a warm washcloth and makeup remover. With each tender swipe of the washcloth, more tears fell. He could feel her shaking underneath him, the silent sobs giving way to heaving gasps.

Once he finished washing her face, he cradled her in his arms, carrying her back to their bed. He settled her on his lap, her legs straddling his hips, arms wound around his neck, face tucked in next to his own. The closer he could get to her, the better he knew she’d be able to feel. His hand snaked under the shirt, rubbing soothing circles on her back, fingers pressing patterns into her spine. He whispered words of comfort in his wife’s ear, willing her to hear what he was saying. Darling, I love you. I’m here for you; you’re not alone. Let it all out, baby. It’s okay to cry. Don’t keep it all stuffed inside; just cry it out. Missy loves you, Jules loves you, I love you. He went on and on, pouring his love and adoration into her. Eventually, her tears subsided, and she was ready to talk. She pulled back a bit so that she could look into those kind eyes of his that never judged her or made her feel less than. 

“Dinner with my dad was a disaster, Marcus, it was horrible. I should’ve known it would be bad, but I was hoping that this time might be different.” 

He nodded sympathetically; her relationship with her father was complicated. That man was manipulative, two-faced, selfish, and frankly a terrible parent. He had never approved of their relationship, blatantly refusing to even come to their wedding, insisting that they’d be getting a divorce at some point anyway. No matter how happy they were together, that man was always finding something to nitpick. If it wasn’t the age gap, it was the fact that Iris had stepped up and filled the spot of mother that the girls had so desperately needed. He hated their jobs, their house, the fact that they were individuals with enhanced abilities. Marcus couldn’t think of a situation where he had ever said anything positive about, well, anything. 

Despite all of this, he knew that Iris still loved him, still cared about him, and desperately wanted some type of relationship with him. She was the kindest person that Marcus had ever met. Her passion for people, her ability to truly empathize with others and try to help them heal was inspiring. He had never seen anything like it. He had seen it firsthand with his girls. She poured every ounce of love and devotion into them, treating them as if she had given birth to them herself. She said time and again that there was no difference to her. They were her girls just as much as they were his, and she loved them as such. That love and care extended to her father, too, no matter how many times he hurt her. 

“What did he do, honey?” he was hesitant to ask. Marcus knew that he would get mad at her father and have to rein himself in. He hated to see his wife hurting like this, and it made his blood boil. No one should cause her this much turmoil, especially someone that was her parent. 

“The whole thing was just a mess from the start. Dad was giving the poor waitress a hard time the second she came to the table. You know when he acts like he’s funny, but actually, he’s just rude? He was playing that game. I tried to talk him off the ledge and get him to bring it back in a bit. You should’ve seen her face, Marcus. She was petrified. Every time she came to the table, I could see the apprehension in her eyes. I tried to make sure that I was as nice to her as humanly possible to make up for him. Jesus Marcus, he should know better. I bartended to help mom with money when she was sick, for goodness sake. I was just like that poor girl all through med school and up until I got hired at Heroics HQ. You’d think he’d be willing to consider that.” 

He shook his head, placing a kiss on her forehead, not interrupting her as she spoke. He knew that Iris needed to get it all out before he chimed in. 

“Then he realized that I didn’t order any wine and commented on that, and oh fuck Marcus; it just came out. I just blurted out that I wasn’t drinking because we’re having a baby. He fucking laughed at me, told me not to joke about shit like that. When he figured out that I was serious, he was furious. He told me that I made a mistake, that this baby would just tie me down. He told me that this was a sign that it was time to give up my career and commit to being a mother. I just- I can’t believe everything he said. He went on and on about how I was finally having a real kid of my own as if Missy and Jules aren’t mine, and how it was unfortunate that this baby was yours. I thought that maybe he’d be happy that he’d be excited, but it was a shit show. He didn’t ask how far along I was or anything. I don’t know why I even do this anymore, why I even hope for his approval. It’s a battle I’m never going to win, so why even try? And fuck, these pregnancy hormones are making me so goddamn emotional. I couldn’t even make it through the main course. I made up a work emergency and left. I’m hurting, I’m fucking starving, and I just want to curl up and call it a night.” 

There was silence for a few moments, Iris once again hiding her face in the crook of Marcus’ shoulder. He wished he could physically take the pain away, that he could take her heart in his hands and cradle it to his chest, protecting it from everything that threatened to break it. It killed him to see her like this, and it wasn’t fair; she didn’t deserve this. It didn’t help that at 12 weeks, her pregnancy was beginning to take a toll on her. It was always tricky for enhanced individuals to carry a child, even more so when the child was also enhanced. It just made everything a bit more complicated. He hadn’t seen it up close himself before. His ex hadn’t had powers. To see Iris suffering and struggling with harsher than average symptoms tore at his heartstrings. They were both so excited to have this little one; it would just be a bit more challenging.  

“Baby, I’ll be right back. I’m gonna grab a few things, get comfy okay?” 

Marcus hated untangling himself from her, but he knew what might make her feel a bit better. She let out a noncommittal grunt, letting him know that she heard him. He quickly went down to the kitchen, grabbing supplies. He put everything on a tray, double-checking that he had what he needed before going back up to the bedroom. He set the tray on the bed, earning a grin from his darling wife. 

“Okay, so you said you were hungry; I thought I’d grab the things you’ve been craving recently. I’ve got a bowl of butter pecan ice cream with strawberry sauce, the whipped cream from a can, and crumbled up potato chips with a side of frozen Reese’s peanut butter cups and that guava juice you started liking last week. Oh, and a grilled cheese that I made earlier and put in the fridge. I know you like them cold right now. I’m not gonna question it. I’m sorry you didn’t even get to eat anything when you went for dinner, but this might be even better.” 

He settled into bed next to Iris, putting the tray on her lap. The giggle of delight that left her mouth made him feel warm inside. He watched her dig into the ice cream, telling him about the new developments that she was working on for his katanas, how she wanted to adjust the grips a certain way, and asking for his input. There she was, his wife was crawling back out of the pain and the hurt. He adored her enthusiasm for science and invention. She always had some idea or other to improve his weaponry and armor. He could listen to her passionately explaining her thoughts and ideas for the rest of his life, and he’d never get bored. 

By the time she finished, the disaster of a dinner had been wholly forgotten. Marcus got up, placing the tray on the dresser. He’d deal with it in the morning. They spent another hour talking, cuddling, and holding each other tightly. After a while, he noticed that Iris began to nod off, her eyelids struggling to stay open. He adjusted their position so that they were lying down, and his love was wrapped securely in his arms. She fell into sweet slumber to the sound of Marcus murmuring sweet nothings in her ear and his hand rubbing her tummy, holding her and their baby close. She may not be able to please everyone, but she had Marcus, their two girls, and this baby. In the end, that was everything. It was all she needed.  

Tag list: @autumnleaves1991-blog​ @madness-roses​ @bisexual-space-slut​ @dindjarindiaries​ @frannyzooey​ @cinewhore​ @revolution-starter​ @mrschiltoncat​ @softpedropascal​ @paniclana​ @jollyrancher87​ @hdlynnslibrary​ @maybege​ @corrupt-fvcker​ @cyaredindjarin​ @magicsuperheroes​ @flightlessangelwings​ @itspdameronthings @fallingoutofthe1975​ @thestreamergirl​

[handonhaven]

So um there is certain group that in this fandom(I'm not gonna name which one but I think it'll be pretty easy to figure out) that have taken to editing articles online to make it seem like their ship is happening and pretty much everything else they wish would happen on the show. Granted the edit to the articles don't last very long before they get changed back. But still I feel like that just a whole new level of sad. To go through all that trouble and they're just feeding into their own "I feel like I been lied to" thing. That's why if it's not one of those websites where Brett and other cast members do their interviews(the website that can't be edit) then I don't pay no mind or believe anything it says

Okay I know I'm really late with this one(and sorry if you answered something like this already) but Lizzie and Josie just made me mad to no end in 3x16. First let me start by saying I get them being upset that Hope ditched them and stole their car. That's understandable. But the fact that they didn't care where Hope was or where she went or if she was okay etc. That made me so mad, and then the only thing Lizzie cared about was making sure Hope would be in a relationship with someone other than Landon(don't even get me started on the comment she made about them and sex 😡😡). Because why shouldn't Hope be with the one person who loves her truly just the way she is. And does whatever he can to make sure she's okay and does whatever he can to help her unlike everyone else at that school, as well as a million other things I could add. And then at the end of the episode when Hope was back at the school both Lizzie and Josie go talk to her and try to act all high and mighty in a way. Asking Hope of it meant nothing to her what happened between them in 3x15. Clearly it meant nothing to Lizzie and Josie because they spent all of 3x16 not giving a crap about Hope. I mean they say they want to be there for Hope and help her and so on but then turn around and do the exact opposite. I honestly can't.

I think I can honestly say after this season. I would sacrifice anyone if it meant that Hope and Landon could be happy. I would throw anyone and everyone under the bus if I had to. Heck I would throw someone to malivore if I had. Just so they could be happy. Because all the trauma they went through these past 3 seasons plus all the trauma they went through before hand. They're done, like let them be done going through trauma. Just let them be happy of once, I don't care who has to pay what price let someone else go through something. I know it would suck for another character to go through pain I do. But Hope and Landon has had 3 seasons of nonstop trauma. That's way more than enough. Just give them a break and let someone else go through something. I don't care who they would throw under the bus to make that happen. Just make it happen, so that way Handon can deal with and possess all the trauma they've been through and move past it and just be happy. I know it's wrong to say let another character through pain so they can be happy, I do. But after three seasons of only them going through some much this is how I feel now. Yes I know other characters went through stuff too, but it was never to the extent to what Hope and Landon have been going through. And they even got a break from it and got to deal with. Hope and Landon have never gotten that.

So my friend came up with this theory that 4x04 is going to be a parallel to 3x04. Because at the end of 3x04 we had to watch as Hope watched Landon melt right in front of her. Which was heart breaking enough by the way. Then the end of 4x04 will be Landon watching Hope die right in front of his eyes. Just thinking about something like that happening just breaks my heart 💔💔💔💔. It was bad enough having to see that once. But they have see that twice.... I think my heart will jump out of my chest and fall into the ocean somewhere never to be seen again. There's no way I could take seeing something like that twice.

Okay so I know everyone has there own thoughts on this one, but I would love to hear yours. So if Klaus was alive and met Landon what do you think he would think of him? I honestly think he would love Landon(even though he wouldn't come out right and say that). For the person he is despite everything he's been through in his life, and how he's always trying to better himself. For how good he is to Hope and how happy he makes her. And for how he's trys to help Hope with everything, and does what he can to help keep her safe. And so on.

Seriously?? Wow. So that’s how they’re spending the hiatus? That’s definitely sad and absurd, the kind of stuff they do continues to reach new levels. I just don’t get what the point is of trying to temporarily deceive people by doing that... so that they can feel like they’ve won for a little while? They must be pretty desperate. And they really are just lying to themselves at this point, and are going to great lengths to lie to other people too. Idk what sites even allow them to do that, at least the articles get changed back though. But yeah, I’m gonna stick to only looking at legit articles and websites, and official info from people who actually work on the show. That’s just incredibly stupid, honestly.

I actually did talk about that a bit in a response to an ask here x. But yeah, same. I understand them being upset about Hope ditching them too, but Hope clearly did it to keep them out of what she was doing because there could’ve been danger. That’s nothing new for Hope, and since they’re supposed to be her best friends, shouldn’t they know that? And even though they were upset, they still should’ve been more concerned about Hope’s safety, which they weren’t. And yes, exactly. Yes to all you said. It was all so frustrating to watch and made me mad too. And so true about Hope and Landon, Hope should be able to be with him, he’s all those things you said and more. So there was no good reason for Lizzie to try to find Hope someone else when she still loves Landon and wasn’t interested in moving on. And I agree about the end of the episode as well. Once again, their concern was the fact that Hope had ditched them, not if she was okay. Exactly, it doesn’t seem like 3x15 meant anything to them since they were so quick to give up on Hope. Just one thing went wrong, which was really more of an inconvenience for them, and they didn’t even try to be there for Hope. They got offended and did nothing. So it makes me worried for when Hope has to deal with Malivore and whether or not they’ll really be there for her.

Yeah, I mean, hopefully no one would have to be sacrificed for them to be happy. But it’s really sad that it’s gotten to the point where it feels like it would take something that extreme to make it happen. It’s truly insane the kind of trauma they’ve gone through and how they can never get a real break and be happy. I agree, if anyone deserves to be happy at this point, it’s them. And I wouldn’t want someone else to have to suffer either, but if the writers are so insistent on having someone suffer, they need to have it not be Hope and Landon for once! They need a better balance of what goes on with all the characters instead of just putting Hope and Landon through everything all the time. Exactly, they seriously have gone through nonstop trauma, they can’t go through anymore at this point, it’s too much. I agree, they need to be able to recover and heal after all they’ve been through so that they can be okay and be happy. I honestly don’t know how either of them have even been able to keep going after all they’ve experienced, it’s so horrible. And yeah, it’s not that the other characters haven’t gone through stuff too, it’s just not at all like what Hope and Landon have dealt with. And like you say, with no breaks, no time to heal. I just think it’s ironic how they wanted this show to be lighter, yet they still put these characters through terrible things, Hope and Landon most of all. They have them constantly dealing with trauma and pain and death, they just lighten up the tone and throw in some comedy amidst all of the tragedy to make it seem lighter when it’s really not. Not for Hope and Landon anyway. I wish they’d make their actual lives and experiences lighter overall, and let them live and be happy for a bit, it’s what they deserve.

Oh my gosh! So I’ve also wondered if Hope is gonna die in 4x04, but I didn’t even think about how that would be a parallel to 3x04! 😭 It will be so painful if it happens, I’m not sure I can take it either! Although, if Landon is there if it happens that could also make for an amazing scene. Like seeing Landon crying over her, or his reaction to it triggering his Phoenix powers again, or maybe even getting healing tears? I’d lose it. It would definitely be heartbreaking, but as long as they wouldn’t get separated again like in 3x04 and they could still be together after, hopefully we would survive seeing something like that again!

When it comes to Klaus and Landon, I have so many thoughts about that, I could make a whole other post about it. But I completely agree with what you said. Every time I see people say Klaus would hate Landon, that he would’ve killed him, etc. like... it makes me mad but I also wanna laugh. Because there’s just no way that Klaus would feel that way about Landon, and whoever thinks he would either didn’t actually watch The Originals, or at least didn’t pay attention to it or understand it. I don’t know how anyone can watch that show and come away from it thinking Landon isn’t the kind of person Klaus, Hayley, and the rest of Hope’s family would want for Hope. And we already saw Klaus’s reaction to Landon dancing with Hope. He was smiling and happy to see Hope with him. He’s already basically approved of Landon. But I really do think he would love Landon too. He wanted Hope to be happy, and Landon is the one who makes Hope happy. So I think that alone would be reason enough for Klaus to like Landon and want him in Hope’s life. But also the other things you said as well, I think he would really admire Landon and the kind of person he is after all that he’s been through. I’ve always thought it was interesting how, in some ways, Landon went through similar things in his childhood like Klaus and Hayley did. He was abused, and Klaus was also abused, and was in foster care with no real family, like Hayley was. And I think for Klaus to see the way Landon has handled that and didn’t let those things change who he is as a person, and still chose to be a good and kind person even after being treated so horribly, I’m sure that would mean a lot to Klaus. To see the way that Landon has been able to overcome darkness in his life, and that’s what Hope needs as well. Klaus and the rest of the Mikaelsons always wanted Hope to be better than how they had been, and Landon helps Hope to be better and helps brings out the best parts of her. And of course with the way that Landon treats Hope, and how much he loves her, how loyal he is, and the way he fights for her and is willing to do whatever it takes to keep her safe, I’m sure Klaus would be so grateful to Landon. Like, just imagine Klaus’s reaction to what Landon did for Hope in 2x11, along with everything else he’s done. How could Klaus not love someone who loves his daughter that much and is that devoted to her? I could go on about this, but this has gotten ridiculously long so I’ll stop. But yeah, I definitely think Klaus would love Landon and be so glad that Hope has him.

[stressedspidergirlsfandomblog]

Okay, so imagine this

Kaer Morhen is a place that little boys go to die, if they’re lucky, or they become witchers. 

(In some ways, Strangers Like Me is what fucking ran thru my head literally all night last night. I wrote nothing, I could not sleep, and my brain SPIRALED all over this)

And somehow, despite the world beating him down and beating him down and beating him down and shelling him out over and over, he runs into an idiot bard who has no fear of him. Who slowly goes from thinking he’s a simpleton to realizing there is a man in there, a boiling seething lake of feelings and anger overtopped by a thick layer of ice. And the bard makes it his life’s mission to help him learn that he is human. (the whole fic idea is more Geraskier, but it has to START the development elsewhere)

he also bumps sorceress who teaches him love and anger and all sorts of other things -fancy table manners, philosophy etc. He has access to things with her he’d never have had in the keep. She teaches him how to eat chicken on the bone with a fork and knife (book canon), and all the other fancy utensils because he’s a person dammit and he should know that his napkin goes in his lap. He devours her books, and since she can read minds she can draw out the conversations from him. She teaches him how to have those conversations and those debates. 

TWs for all the canon compliant fucking misery that is Geralt’s life. Child abuse, neglect, assault, etc. 

Geralt is incapable of believing good about himself, or expressing himself normally or knowing what to do in social situations. He mimics, he copies, he attempts to replicate, but if the situation changes he isn’t sure what to do. 

Trauma gives us 4 options. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. He knows how to fight, but sometimes it leads him to battles he’ll never win. Flight is usually safest. Freeze can also work well, but he doesn’t know how to fawn, no one’s praised him enough or taught him how to give praise or fake affection in turn. Usually, he chooses to freeze until he can assess better. If there’s no blades drawn, it is time to freeze. 

( I am looking at this purely from a child abuse perspective) 

He has no idea what to make of Yennefer. She is rage, and greed, and feelings, and luxury. She teaches him to fight back. She teaches him you can be angry and people will not always leave you. Some children/adults will do anything to please someone in hopes of affection until they feel safe, and they begin to test boundaries. And with Yennefer, he’s allowed. Neither one of them knows how to process emotions in a healthy way, not really. But if she wants to throw a jam jar at the wall -not at him, never at him. She doesn’t want to hurt him. She’s just angry and has to break something. Better the jar than herself. Or him. He learns to stomp and yell right back, to knock things off the dresser or desk. Maybe it’s not a good lesson, but it’s something. 

She teaches him choice in bed. He’s never had choice in bed, he’s never made love. He has had sex. Voluntary, involuntary. Me for her, let the girl go, use me instead. He heals. He always heals. He can kill them if he wants to, but that raises more problems than it solves. Kaer Morhen has no women. He learns very little about making love there, either, feelings are forbidden. However, he learns to keep himself silent and still as his cock is stroked, he learns to not let the bed so much as creak the slightest bit, not the softest change in his breathing. He learns how to use precum as lubricant because there is nothing else, and while he doesn’t learn how to kiss, or fuck, he learns how to touch. There’s no kind of education like that. It’s control, management of pain, seeking approval from people who rarely give it. 

Yennefer gives him approval. She gives him choice, and she teaches him to move his hips. She teaches him it’s alright to breathe through it, to beg for it, to twitch, it’s okay to want something for himself. He can’t reconcile it, can’t adapt well to it. But in bed, with her, he allows himself to be freer. It doesn’t translate for him, into other situations. His learning is contextual. He has trouble applying the lessons she tries to teach him to other social situations. He can fight back with her because she likes him. He can argue with her about books because she starts the conversation for him because he doesn’t know how. He is heinously smart, he can read, write, and speak at least three languages, he can synthesize information so quickly it stuns her. If he’d been chosen as a mage, if he could access the Source, he would set the world on fire. 

She teaches him to say ‘no.’ It’s not something he knew he could do. Not outside of negotiating a contract. Most of his world is lived inside of his own head because he isn’t allowed to offer opinions unless someone asks. Other than contracts. There is a script, there are rules, he can say ‘I won’t kill that’ or ‘that’s not enough coin’ or ‘no.’ Those situations he can talk freely and articulately. 

They experiment in bed, to a point. She can tell when he’s getting cagey and stops. She never makes him say ‘no’, never lets it get that far, because she knows he’ll freeze. When he’s vaguely curious about light bondage she simply tells him to see if he can even stand to put his palms on the headboard and not touch her. He can’t. He can’t stand it if she won’t touch him, either, when she offers to return the favor and see if he likes that edge of control. He doesn’t. She’s had other lovers, but none like him. None as broken and angry as she is. (The book says, it flat out says, they did not know HOW to be kind, but they wanted to be, and so they were, when it describes how they make love.) They try other things, some things he more tolerates than enjoys -the unicorn. But he doesn’t hate it, he just doesn’t prefer it. 

He can’t admit to feelings, he can’t admit to loving her, and so she can’t tell him because he isn’t ready to hear it. He can’t believe any of it, and so she can’t say a word. Telling him would chase him out of her life forever. When he tries to share things with her, when he tries to push himself to describe any part of himself, she listens. She uses many of his failings against him when they fight, but never what he tells her in confidence and struggle and broken words. When he tells her ‘they botched it’ meaning they botched him, he’s worthless, not made right, and horrible, she tells him perhaps she is the same. 

Eventually the fighting is too much, the frustration at themselves is too much. They can’t heal each other. What they need doesn’t line up yet. 

They break apart and he travels again, happy to reunite with Jaskier. Not that he understands that feeling. But something feels ...easier, with the bard around. He tries on occasion to engage in conversations, just sharing a random fact or quote with the bard and Jaskier doesn’t realize what Geralt is doing for weeks until Geralt stops and he finally asks him what his quote of the day is. Geralt visibly perks and Jaskier finally understands what Geralt has been trying to tell him. He finally asks the right question and Geralt talks to him for hours, long after the sun sets, as animated as his training allows him to be, describing how he’s connected this human myth to an elvish historical event that is corroborated by the dwarves, he had to read it in Elvish, and also Dwarfish, but he can’t find a written version of the myth he’s only heard it spoken or sung. 

Jaskier takes him to Oxenfurt and leads him in and out of guest lectures. They sit in the back so Geralt can hide, because that’s what he does. Don’t look people in the eye unless they tell you to. Don’t look up, don’t be big, don’t exist if you can help it. And he hides and scrunches in on himself, but he listens, and the bard lets him pore over libraries and scares off anyone who would complain at a mutant witcher touching precious tomes. Geralt is gentle, and careful, and sweet, and he deserves to read what he wants, he deserves answers to questions about the world he could never find in Kaer Morhen where his only training was how to survive as a witcher. 

Jaskier teaches him how to answer the question asked, not just say what he thinks people want to hear. That’s not what I asked you. I asked what your preference was. He learns that Geralt was very much raised to believe children should be seen and not heard, in terms of himself. He doesn’t speak up, doesn’t offer anything unless asked. Not unless it’s about witchering, then he is allowed. And so he makes sure to ask. Are you hungry? Would you like to stop for the night, too? Does that hurt, it looks like it hurts. And Geralt learns to listen to the words, and he learns if asked, he is allowed to speak for himself. He doesn’t have to do what he thinks Jaskier wants. Unless prompted, around people, he rarely speaks, rarely converses, and just tries not to be terrifying. Keeps his head down, hood up, he doesn’t want to be hurt. He’s sick of being hurt. He’s sick of going hungry, he is sick of being miserable. And he has found if he is invisible, people leave him alone. He doesn’t get stoned, he doesn’t get beaten, he doesn’t get chased out for just wanting a bed to sleep in and a warm meal. If he doesn’t take up space, he can exist. Jaskier speaks for him, people think perhaps he’s a simpleton who the bard travels with, they don’t know the quick mind behind the eyes focused firmly on the ground. 

It constantly breaks Jaskier’s heart. He has never seen Geralt smile. He has never heard him laugh. He has heard him talk with intonation on occasion, and usually only when reciting what he’s been told. He is an incredible mimic for tone and pitch and it astounds the bard. When he asks Were you even listening to me at all?  and Geralt begins reciting everything he had said, with perfect inflection, since Geralt’s last one word response, perfect tone, perfect everything other than he doesn’t change his voice, his gravelly voice will never soar into tenor heights. 

Children, ones who don’t know what he is, love him. Parents who don’t know, don’t see the swords strapped to Roach, they don’t mind the bard’s pet simpleton playing pat-a-cake with their children, they don’t mind them teaching him to make flower crowns. Or watching them draw in the dirt. The children never think he’s stupid, they like him all the more for knowing they aren’t, either. He lets them pet his horse, and boosts them into the saddle. He helps them reach fruit on tree branches, and pulls down prickly berry vines full of blackberries so they can gorge on the sweet fruit. Jaskier loves watching him with children, because he’s less guarded. He starts out small, makes himself so small, so nonthreatening, and when the children realize he’s happy to play with them, he relaxes. The tension leaves him and the villagers ignore him. Any adult stupid enough to want to play with children, to humor them, and listen to their stories can’t be right in the head. The bard’s assurances he won’t touch them or hurt them goes a long way. 

He used to freeze and flinch and shudder whenever Jaskier touched him, because he could not understand. He still doesn’t. Emotions make no sense, touching for affection that isn’t between lovers makes no sense. Jaskier stays with him, so they must be friends. He’d admit it openly if asked. He doesn’t understand he loves the other man. He wouldn’t know that’s what he was feeling even if he was told. He feels nothing, it’s a scooped out shell, there is nothing inside of him other than sometimes anger. That’s why he had to leave Yennefer. She was the sun and he just reflected her warmth, he had nothing of his own to give back. 

Patently untrue, but there’s nothing that would convince him otherwise and Jaskier doesn’t try. Geralt is ridiculously capable and educated, and wonderful and the bard does what he can to praise him when he can because he knows Geralt needs to hear it. No one praised him or loved him as a child. Hugs are still foreign and after years of them his first instinct is still to flinch. He will sleep comfortably draped across the bard, or with the bard curled into him. He doesn’t care about that. He doesn’t have the same personal boundaries other people do. If he’s cold, and Jaskier is there, he sees no reason not to share heat. 

It had given the bard heart failure when they’d been sitting around the fire after eating and Geralt had just started pleasuring himself without understanding why that might not be socially acceptable. He’d offered to help the bard first. Not wanting to give Geralt another reason to be ashamed, or small, or scared, he had declined, and wondered in what world could a boy grow up afraid of being held, but feel perfectly comfortable jerking himself off in the company of others. What had been even odder was the witcher had continued their conversation as though this was normal. Hadn’t lost focus, his breathing had never changed, he hadn’t seemed to take much pleasure from his actions, and Jaskier couldn’t understand why he was doing it. 

It had made his heart hurt in new ways. It’s a perfunctory action, meant to relieve an itch, not something for pleasure’s sake alone. Everything he does has function and reason and logic. 

When they run into people Jaskier knows, and they want to talk to the white wolf, or see him, or bother him, Jaskier tells them to leave him be. He won’t talk to them. His poor witcher gains a bit of a reputation as being a tame monster, trailing his bard on a leash and killing monsters as directed. 

When they’re low on grain for the horses, he goes to busk and see if he can drum up coin. When he comes back to pay the stablemaster, the last thing he expects is for Geralt to be paying with his body, a blank expression on his face as he braces himself against the door of an empty stall. He looks at Jaskier without any kind of shame, any understanding of what’s happening to him because he needs feed for Roach, and she needs a warm place to sleep out of the muck during the rainy seasons. Her hooves need to be dried out, he needs to borrow tools to clean the frogs and check her shoes. He might need the services of a ferrier. He’ll get a bit of coin for this and then some extra. If it isn’t sex with a lover, it’s just a transaction, what should he care? The bard escapes when he realizes only Geralt saw, and pukes his guts up into the gutters. He’d have tried to stop it, but the stablemaster was bigger than he was and he couldn’t take the risk the man would hurt Geralt. 

The horses taken care of, Jaskier uses the coin he’d earned to have a bath drawn up and helps Geralt bathe until all trace of stable is washed away. He tries to ask, and when Geralt openly tells him it’s just better that way, he bites his tongue so hard it bleeds rather than reply or push the issue. He has coin, they’re fine, Geralt won’t need to do that again while they’re together. 

He notices how the witcher gets thinner after, stress and shame eating his insides even if he won’t admit it. He’d been the heaviest Jaskier had ever seen him after living with Yennefer for a few years. Healthy. Shiny hair, bright eyes, enough meat over his bones to hide them. Slowly his spine creeps through his skin and the bard can count the vertebrae. It will pass, and he realizes he’s seen this pattern. This has happened before he just hadn’t seen. It passes, Geralt finds lucrative contracts, and his body fills back out. 

They continue to work on what feelings are. Geralt remains baffled by the fact the bard will not bed him in any capacity, and doesn’t understand why they can’t share a little pleasure. Jaskier knows if he gives in, Geralt will never let it progress beyond more than just skin on skin. He’ll never understand it could be more. He has to wait, he has to keep pushing for the witcher to understand there is more. 

They happen upon a town, and a small girl, perhaps three or four years old, picks flowers by the side of the road. There’s a house visible in the distance, but it’s awfully far for a small child to have wandered. Geralt immediately looks around for a dead body, half expecting to find the child’s mother dead in a ditch. Nothing. When she notices his hair peeking out from under his cloak as he crouches down to talk to her, she pushes the fabric off his head to twirl her fingers into his hair. He barely breathes as he asks her where her ma and pa are. She points at the house and said she wanted the orange flowers. He looks over and sees that while there are what seems like thousands of wildflowers much closer, none are the color she’s currently collecting. The child will be missed soon enough, he supposes as he offers her a seat on his shoulder. Before she accepts, she splays small fingers under his eye and he freezes, waiting for her to scream or reject him. She simply says ‘pretty.’ When he lifts her up, she tangles a hand back into his hair to help her hold on and keep her balance. She stuffs the flowers into her small apron -probably made more to humor her than for any practical purpose, and occasionally pats Geralt’s head and tells him again, his hair is pretty and he’s nice to take her home. 

When screaming reaches his ears, he knows the little girl’s name is Ivana, and he tells Jaskier, “Make noise, her mother is in the fields looking for her.” The bard’s trained lungs will project far better than his will. His lungs are trained to breathe evenly and slowly in all things. He will endure if he keeps his heart slow and his breathing calm. 

“Over here! We’ve found her!” Jaskier calls, his voice ringing stridently over the fields. He’s not sure how she could hear him from so far that only Geralt can hear her frantic calls, but all the same he sees how Geralt tilts his head and nods to himself. 

They speed up, Geralt’s stride long and even as the woman comes pelting across the grass, crushing flowers, and her skirts hiked up over her knees to keep them out of her way. She gasps slightly when she sees Geralt and the brightly dressed bard, not sure what they will do to her or her daughter. She can see the swords on the roan mare. “I haven’t coin, please don’t hurt her,” she says. 

Jaskier feels Geralt shrivel. “We just saw her picking flowers and knew she’d be missing,” he explains. “We don’t want coin. Not for returning a toddler to her mother,” he protests. When she reaches out for her child, and Geralt obliges by leaning to hand her off, the girl shrieks in displeasure. 

Geralt freezes, one arm half coming up to ward the mother off, but unsure. Why wouldn’t she want to go back? It’s Jaskier who saves the situation by laughing. “I see she’s gotten quite attached,” he tells the anxious mother. “Here, Ivana, come down, he’s very tired and he’s not a pony. You brought flowers for your ma, didn’t you? You can’t show her very well from up there,” and holds out his arms. The girl allows Geralt to pass her over, and he swiftly deposits her on the ground where her mother relaxes immediately. She shows the flowers, and offers Geralt one. 

“Are you a witcher?” she asks. 

“Yes,” Geralt says, careful not to open his mouth too much. His teeth are a bit too white, and his canines a bit too sharp. Not fangs, but some people choose to see them that way. They’d grown in sharper when he’d lost his baby teeth, he’d seen plenty of other humans with teeth like his, but against his pale skin and yellow eyes, the effect was more noticeable. More monstrous. 

“There’s a wyvern, my man, when he gets back from ploughing, he can show you. I see Ivana has taken to you. If you’ll watch her while I bundle herbs, I’ll feed you both lunch.” She isn’t afraid of witchers. “We don’t have much coin, but there’s a bounty on the beast, you can turn it in, if you travel up the road a bit. In the mean time, I can offer you a place to sleep, some feed for your horse, and a meal in a few hours once I’ve finished my tasks.” 

Jaskier knows Geralt is well pleased with the idea just from the shift of his shoulders. “Geralt’s a wonderful babysitter,” he smiles. “I can help you with the chores, I’m sure. Just put me to work. My name is Jaskier, that is Geralt, and you are?” 

“Oh gods above, I’m so sorry, I’m Melina.” She reaches out to shake Jaskier’s hand and the bard accepts warmly, but when she tries to do the same for Geralt the bard gives her a look and she drops her hand. Odd. “Ivana, you mind Master Geralt, or I’ll give you such a hiding you won’t sit for weeks, do you hear me?” 

“Yes, Mama,” she promises. “I will show him where to put the horse,” she says proudly and Geralt makes a ‘lead the way’ gesture at her with a little bow that makes her giggle. He takes Roach’s reins from Jaskier and follows the girl child to the barn. 

“He won’t hurt her?” 

“No, he’d die in her defense in a heartbeat.” 

“But he can’t shake hands?” 

“He wouldn’t know that’s what you wanted,” Jaskier tells her. Not sure if that makes it worse or puts her more at ease. “You don’t seem much afraid of him, considering how we started.” 

“Witchers help people,” she smiles faintly. “My pa would have died long before he met my ma if not for a witcher who saved him on the road. Took a bad rake across his face, though, the witcher. My Pa taught us, even if we don’t know much reading or writing, history turns. People used to trust witchers. Then they tried to kill them all. And they’ll trust them again. Any man willing to risk dying to save others can’t be all bad.” 

“That is what I’ve been saying.” He glances up to see the black-clad witcher come back into view with Ivana swinging his hand happily. He can’t hear her, but he knows she is chattering nonstop. 

“Is he... simple?” she asks softly, watching as her daughter teaches Geralt a new clapping game he hasn’t seen before. He seems to be devoting all his energy to the game. 

“No,” Jaskier breathes. “No, he’s brilliant,” his heart aches. “Will they be alright out here, your man won’t come home and try and beat him with a stick?” 

“No, Roddy would never. He’ll come from the back fields as is. My Roderick is a good man. How could he hit your Geralt for playing with our daughter?” 

“People have done worse for far less,” Jaskier says bitterly. He has no idea why he’s sharing with her. Perhaps months on the road of people being truly horrible to Geralt have made him desperate to talk to someone who isn’t. Someone who is kind. 

“I see.” She shows Jaskier the herbs she’s drying, some to sell, some for home remedies. Vegetables to jar and pickle, and hundreds of other small tasks made near impossible by having a small child to mind. “My boys help their father in the fields, so that he can work on other tasks once they can manage the rest.” As the bard gets the knack for how to tie the herbs, she watches him a few seconds. “So what’s wrong with him?” 

“Nothing,” Jaskier protests. “Nothing at all,” he aches for Geralt. “People, people are the ones who are wrong. He does everything he can to not draw attention. The less he talks, the less he moves, the less people notice and the less likely they are to-” His head snaps up when he hears a husky chuckle from outside. “Your man early?” 

“No, he doesn’t laugh like that,” she says. 

“Who the fuck is that then?” he demands, peering from the small window. Ivana is pointing at something dramatically and stamping a foot and he realizes the laugh is Geralt. His heart squeezes and he blinks rapidly. He hadn’t known Geralt could laugh. Not in all the years they’d been travelling together. “Oh,” he gasps, the wind knocked out of him. 

“Let them be, if she starts to have a true tantrum I’ll rescue him. It’s about time for her to nap, she’ll be fussy soon enough.” 

“Eh, he’ll be fine,” Jaskier tells her, rubbing at his eyes with a knuckle. “He’s faced worse than a grumpy toddler before.” 

“Perhaps, Master Jaskier. But he cannot swing his sword to stop her from inconveniencing him.” 

“He would never. Although, he might turn tail and run in here, seeking rescue,” he tries to turn the conversation somewhere else. 

[akatsuki-celeste]

I can feel my anxiety medication wearing off so before I re-up it, because if ever there was a day that I just need to keep it going - I feel the need to scream into the void first. 

I haven’t talked about my personal life that much save for a few depressive, anxiety-fueled rants before, and maybe this is just one more of those but longer. But today was the last day in a long saga of days that has just made me....really question *everything*. It’s probably the closest I’ve ever felt to being absolutely done. 

So the last year and a half has been quite the roller coaster and occasional hell for me, as I imagine it has been for everyone else on the planet. Everyone has their own 2020 story to tell, everyone’s is important, so I haven’t made a huge deal out of mine. I’m luckier than most. So this isn’t a post where I’m going to go on and on about how rough I’ve had it, etc, etc. This is just going to be about...me. The facts, as seen by me. 

In March 2020, my work began efforts to roll out a remote work plan that I qualified to start early due to being immunocompromised thanks to a fun little auto-immune disease called ulcerative colitis. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 18, so basically half my life, and the medication I had been on then, Remicade, was one I’d been using for the last decade with absolutely no issues except maybe I get really tired and like naps afterwards. All of that went smooth. I felt relieved that I, at least, was going to be at home. One of my roommates, also a co-worker, was able to work out the same situation so we didn’t even need to deal with transportation for her until the official lockdown. 

And then a week - possibly less, my memory is hazy - my roommates (my then-best friend and her brother) got into a screaming fight of such epic proportions that I had an actual mental breakdown in the middle of (first for me). I remember hiding in my room with my laptop - I was still trying to work for some reason, I do remember eventually telling my boss I had a family emergency so I could log off - I remember calling my mother in a panic, and then I remember waking up at my parents’ house about 6 hours later and finding out that my mother had told my former roommates to gtfo, which I did not attempt to rescind (not at the time, because apparently I was there when it happened but I don’t remember this, and not later) because I knew living with them was no longer feasible for a number of reasons which I will not go into. I’m still dealing with five years of mental abuse and trauma on that one. 

By the first week of April they were gone, and I was able to busy myself for the next few months with making my place habitable for one person again, which was a good distraction. And then September came around and I started to notice these, well, patches on my skin. At first I thought it was just eczema or dry skin irritation, it happens sometimes. But with each month they got worse and worse, until December finally rolls around and the only conclusion anyone can come up with is that my trusty Remicade, which had successfully kept my UC in check for a decade, had finally decided to stop playing nice with my body and I was having a “psoriasis-like” reaction. So for the first time in a long while I was starting the medication shuffle again, steroid creams and a new UC medication that took nearly 4 months to get approved. I’m still not recovered even though I’ve been off of Remicade for 7 months now. It takes 6 months for that stuff to fully work its way out of a system, so the reactions didn’t stop until a few weeks ago and I’m still struggling to heal. I’d say it’s about 75% better than it was, but showers still suck, pants also suck, and I can’t tolerate temperatures higher than 70 degrees (hi summer, you suck). Also during this time I got the COVID vaccine (woo!) but seriously, if not for remote work I probably would have lost my job. I used up most of my sick leave in the beginning of the year because I couldn’t move without pain, even to sit at the computer for 8 hours. I also have a ton of PTO, but my boss told me that I couldn’t necessarily use it for sick leave (news flash for me) and again, could lose my job if I tried to use it too much. So trigger my anxiety. A lot. 

Fast forward. In one week my office is reopening for 50% capacity, which apparently means to upper management that we have to all work 3 days a week in office, 2 days remote, which doesn’t match the math but whatever. They’ve also stopped screening temperatures, have nixed the social distance requirement, and are only requiring masks for the unvaccinated - but aren’t requiring anyone to say whether they are or not. Needless to say, not exactly the best reassurance for my still-immunocompromised ass, not to mention the dress code will murder my skin. So I ask about continuing remote work and get told I need an ADA accommodation. Okay. I get the paperwork and pass it on to my GI; I was already on FMLA for my UC, figured this wouldn’t be that different. 

Except my GI has refused to sign the paperwork, saying there’s no medical reason for me to continue remote work. Despite still not being recovered from the skin reaction I got back in December from the Remicade, despite finding information that Remicade potentially interferes with the vaccine, I’ve been told to just adhere to social distancing and mask-wearing despite my employer not requiring that of anyone else. And with all the information about the delta variant coming out.... yeah, I’m scared. Probably paranoid, probably anxious. I have no idea how I’m going to get through a work day without having to medicate and I won’t be able to function if I have to do that. i see my psych before RTW-Day, but only a few days before. 

My last chance is that the dermatologist I’m seeing on Wednesday might be able to fill it out based on my condition, but at the moment I’m in a cycle of panic that I’m going to be told it’s Not That Bad and not get taken seriously. Which is a feeling I’ve been having a lot lately. I know it’s partly the depression and anxiety ramping itself up, but I just don’t know what to do now. All I want to do right now is press the restart button. Sell my place, relocate to a new place so radically different from where I am now that I can’t even compare it, start over. Get a puppy, write a novel, not be in $33k worth of debt. This wasn’t where I’d hoped to be at 36, and now it feels like it’s going to be another 5-6 years before I can get there. If I can get there. It seems like another lifetime. 

Anyway. That ends my void screaming. TLDR, I have to start working in the office again in a week, I’ve been told by my GI that my auto-immune disease doesn’t qualify me for an ADA accommodation to keep working from home, my anxiety is now living with me instead of me living with it, and my last shot is a dermatologist I’ve never met before. 

[shadowtongued]

long headcanon about the duality of love and the mahjarrat condition pertaining to it from his point of view. if you read all this babble i swear to god, i love you, i hope you have a good day. cw: sex addiction, child neglect, unhealthy coping, unrequited pains. reason for writing: hi i want to die bc of angst.

i think we all know even without playing medieval xp grind lore game, runescape, that sliske is old. very old. he tells us in endgame there's not much he hasn’t done with his life over thousands of years, even traveling to other planets and realms to just see what was out there and how far he could get. i’ve always projected his age as somewhere between more than 8,000 or even more than 10,000. we’re never given a timeline to how long the children of mah have lived. sliske has done a lot with his time; he’s killed a god, had quite a few elder relics in his grasp, SPOKEN to a elder god and managed not to die, mastered shadow magicks, has an excellent grasp on the shadow realm. he’s good with biology, chemistry, has a fair understanding of soul magic which is kind of a rare brand of knowledge, he’s tricked probably thousands into bad contracts to become wights in his army, understands the psychology and bad morals of people. he was a playwright, a high ranking officer, a spymaster. dude is just a determined polymath. you know what he hasn’t done? love. he’s never got to play with love.

mahjarrat are explained as having emotions, but dulled ones. they feel rage and pride apparently better than others. kharshai said after years of really believing he was a human, that when he came back to his true form he states “i  feel raw power coursing through my veins. i don't feel pain like i used to, and i'm sure my intellect has increased. but somehow there is something missing. a capacity for emotion that i can't quite put my finger on.” they aren’t equipped for the same range of positive emotions as others are. they feel it, but they don’t understand it fully, it has been said by developers. this whole bit is sadly funny considering in canon, sliske catches feelings. he doesn’t realize he’s attracted to the player character. it’s stated many times, in his journals, in dialogue, etc. he believes their fates are tangled no matter what. and the saddest bit is he probably doesn’t understand these feelings and it confuses him to the point of anger.  “ love! a mahjarrat in love? ... i almost wish that were true. it would certainly make the universe a more interesting place. ” “ so perhaps i have loved you. but that doesn’t mean i have to like you.”  sliske’s main goal started off as to take the players immortal, unable to be crushed by the divine, soul and give it to himself so he could live forever, as mahjarrats do not have afterlives, once they die they are done, evaporated into energy. but in endgame we learn something from him hidden in masks that refutes that;

“I love you for more than your soul.”

you STUPID fucker, you’re in love.

the remainder of this is a lot of NON-CANON, personal headcanon interpretation that pretty much only works on this blog. as a rough summary: sliske’s ol’ mum was not fond of her kids, half-brother wahisietel or sliske since she did not see them as powerful as herself and was disappointed that's what her legacy came out to. a short, beefy, average at magic son, she had another go and was still disappointed with this spidery, scrawny, gifted but absolutely annoying stick underweight child. his father, saw him once or twice in his life and that was it. dyeosuthua wanted nothing more than to make them disappear and try again until she got offspring she didn’t want to throw into a lava pit in secrecy, infanticide was against tribal law due to population issues. sliske’s mother’s neglect was so severe, ( by the absolute boundless joys of rp development and mutual heacanons ♥ ) that wahi and nabor had an attempt at raising him and keeping him from freezing to death. why is all this jargon important? because while all mahjarrats are raised by tough love, sliske’s attention deprivation from his mother was so severe, he grew up and still has a slew of reactive attachment, psychological, and social issues he still carries as an adult. several times she threatened to kill him and almost made good on it more than twice. when wahisietel had proven he was a survivor of the first ritual of rejuvenation, sliske became dyeosuthua’s  main target for abuse despite his gift for magic at a young age. nothing he did could impress her enough. and it left him constantly seeking approval and validation to an insecure mind.

the more he grew, the more confident he became mainly out of spite and to get attention. he’s loud, charming, makes you the only person in the room when he talks to you. he has an innate silver-tongued ability that persuades people to do just about anything. it was a front for his insecurities that he kept very very closed up. in the second age/senntisten capital, sliske had a pretty severe sex addiction as it was one of the few ways he felt validated and was able to get affection in a way he could digest. people with reactive attachment disorders often have sex addictions to fill the space of acceptance without having to commit.. easy, feel good intimacy without having to open up and let someone learn about your vulnerabilities and commit. it was pretty severe, considering mahjarrats find any kind of breeding or intimacies outside their ‘superior species’ as downright foul. sliske had always been the black sheep of the tribe and with his status as praefectus praetorio; head of secret police, really nothing put a damper on him trying to fill the void for affection he had. there wasn’t a species or individual he wouldn’t bed. he would easily take up propositions even for people who just wanted to fuck a mahjarrat because it was ‘exotic’ or because of his status as an officer, he now looks back on this and it bruises his insecurities even more that he allowed himself to do that. not out of pride for his species. but himself, being just a thing to be had because of rarity. azzanadra and his brother, wahisietel found out about it and while disgusted, partially understood what he was doing to negatively self soothe. at one point sliske and azzanadra, the champion of their god and head of the church, as well of one of the strongest living of their kin, had a lasting tryst for a few years and for awhile it made sliske feel very much self important in a way and alleviated his need to be needed so badly, this did not end well when sliske grew tired of their empire and wanted freedom. once childhood best friends and lovers had become absolute enemies once sliske became too unstable and azzanadra became too zealous. 

sliske gave up his sexcapades for a long time, thousands of years, his libido dropped when he became interested in other projects and self healing when he was hit with the idea that he hasd essentially allowed himself to be an exotic fling and still burned over becoming his god, zaros, scapegoat after all he had done for him. love was a weird concept to him and still is. despite being adamant love doesn’t exist for his kind, and his belief that he is flawed, unstable, and embraced the idea of ‘you want a monster? fine! i’ll be the monster!’. he expects no pity, not be forgiven to things he has done and even in game when you sycophantically try to cozy to him, he straight up calls out your text choice was awful considering some of the shitty things he might have done to you. to sliske, all attention to him is attention, whether you’re praising or insulting him. he’s on your mind, he exists, that’s all he wants.

backstory aside the real part of this headcanon is that sliske actually wants love. it’s the only thing aside from an immortal soul he hasn’t had. sliske actually has an attraction to humans because they are empathetic, curious, passionate, and determined. he has an easier time assimilating and being around them since he has ALWAYS had a better sense of humor, socializing, and happiness than his kin. he feels emotions a lot stronger than his fellow mahjarrats. it allows him to talk to and connect to humans and humanlike species better. others of his kind have told him there’s “something wrong” with him for that. he’s actually a romantic, even if he’s just mimicking romance stories, movies, and actions from others. he thinks the idea of settling with one person and loving them is both mortifying and interesting. opening yourself up to someone and giving them the hammer to smash your cherry-red painted porcelain heart and seeing if they do, to him might be the ultimate form of trust and biggest gamble of russian roulette. the stakes are so heavy he’s high on the idea. but it’s also horrifying. mahjarrat are prolific for not opening up, not allowing others in, vulnerability out in the open is a death sentence. they live in a kratocracy/meritocracy where they kill off the weakest link. it’s not pretty. being soft is a useless, unnecessary, weak gene to them. it dampers survival. 

but yet sliske keeps reading romance novels, writing his own confused poetry, and getting into unrequited one sided loves but practicing a backstabbing betrayal when one gets too close. i have to hurt them before they hurt me, betray and cut them down before they can do it to me. i think he wants to be loved. i think he kinda wants to be taught to love, for the emotions and the sake of knowledge. ( brb james newton howard’s ‘true love’s kiss’ from maleficent just came on spotify and i think i’m going to die bc i did not ask for background music thanks!!! ) he wouldn’t be the best at it, maybe a little too possessive with you, codependent, but very nurturing and fun loving. will sepnd a whole week spooning you.. people who hurt you past, present, and future may end up dead in mysterious ways or turned into a wight for you to beat the shit out of. but he’d try. he’s still got a broken child sitting behind his third rib. i think he would snarl the first few times someone genuinely got close to him, it would terrify him, being known on such a skinned, raw level. having gentle touches that are real and not a come hither to the bedroom. being known for something other than the confident, ego he has is death. he could be taught to be gentle for a crumb of consistent attention. might even cut down the murders and god killing down by 15%. love is not going to fix him, it’s not going to forgive the actual shitty things he’s done. it should never do that. but it will turn the lights on in a dark house.

love could really break him. i think so. i’d type more but this has gone on too long and i feel sad-happies. 

[atopearth]

Final Fantasy X-2 HD Remaster Part 1 - Chapter 1 & 2 on YRP’s Adventures

I still think that for all the dress spheres, only the main ones (including the songstress) had effort put into it because I remember the rest being pretty ugly lmao. . Anyway! Always happy to see Rikku. Not too fond of her costume since she’s barely wearing anything LOL, but I guess it suits her despite that. Leblanc the thief dancing in the form of Yuna is still weird lol, I know she took her garment grid but does that make her take on her face etc too?? Lol, I never understood that. I always find it so funny to go touch the crouched Yuna wearing the moogle costume to heal your HP/MP hahaha. I remember everything about the introduction so not much to say besides, I wonder when Yuna learnt to use a gun? Still think Yuna’s Gunner costume is like female Tidus, but I guess since the focus of FFX-2 is her seeing a sphere of Shuyin thinking it’s Tidus so she goes around looking for similar spheres to see if she can somehow find him again, it’s a very fitting costume haha. Brother learning their language to communicate better with Yuna is so cute. Anyway, let’s see if I enjoy FFX-2! I don’t remember much about it but I remember thinking it was okay…hahaha.

I still remember the running after and beating Leblanc to the top of the Mt Gagazet ruin in a limited amount of time! I remember thinking it was so annoying because I was so lost the first time I did it, and the timer being annoying didn’t help hahaha. Think I missed one item but whatever, I got there with like plenty of time to spare XD The most memorable optional visit is definitely the Luca one, I think it’s so funny to see Yuna’s perspective of the beginning, since she had to hide in a moogle costume whilst Rikku and Paine dealt with Leblanc the thief haha. Yuna’s so expressive in her moogle costume that it was pretty funny. Dona and Barthello in Luca are as meh as usual, never been fond of Dona haha. Running through Mi'ihen highroad was dangg tiring though, so many battles loll, the encounter rate is high. Oh well, I guess I learn my skills that way.

I remember visiting the Youth League headquarters and talking to Maechen, he gives a nice little background on what happened in these two years and how the Youth League came to be so it’s worth a listen even if it’s a bit long. Considering that Clasko enjoyed taking care of chocobos, I’m not sure why he’s playing tour guide here, at least he follows us along on the airship after? LOL when he asks if he can come along and the no option is “sorry loser”, so mean hahahaha. I also remember the mission at the Moonflow where you have to protect the hypello from bandits! I remember failing in the past hahahaah, I guess I’m better now since I did it on the first try?

Gippal was and will always be my favourite new guy in FFX-2, Nooj and Baralai have always been pretty meh to me. Gippal is funny, cool and pretty cute. I guess alike others, I would ship him with Rikku hahaha. As the leader of the machine faction, he’s doing a lot of good for Spira as well since he’s helping to improve their lives, such as fixing the lightning rods in the Thunder Plains so that we’ll never need to dodge lightning ever again hahaha! I still remember Macalania Woods very well because I really love how ethereal it all looks and since Tidus and Yuna had their scene here, it’s hard to not think it’s a beautiful place. So really, thinking about how the Fayth not being here anymore is causing the woods to slowly die is just so saddening. It only adds to the sadness to see the once proud Guado be left scattered everywhere, hiding in Macalania and other places after not being able to fend off the Ronsos that came for revenge. Considering how much the Guado did in support for Seymour, it’s difficult to not hate them, nevertheless it’s still sad though.

The Calm Lands seem even more vast now, so many mini games but yeah omg, that publicity campaign for one of the companies there, I remember that! I remember thinking it was so annoying lol. Had to track my footsteps and go back to all the places I went to, just to talk to all these people to get those publicity points zzzz. Argent it is btw! Seeing Kimahri as elder is really nice, too bad his job is difficult so it’s hard to get the approval of everyone there, but he’s trying so I’m happy. Wakka and Lulu expecting a baby is all I remember about Besaid haha. It was bad of Yuna to leave without telling anyone but I think it was the right choice, it was about time Yuna got the freedom she could never have and explore the world she saved. I remember silly Wakka hoping to find a sphere of his parents so that he could see how he should act as a father, but really, he just needs to act how he thinks he should and learn from there, no one knows how to be a parent from the start.

Lol, Yuna and them were so happy to steal that awesome sphere from both New Yevon and the Youth League and then felt bad so decided to return it to one of them? Okay lol. I’d definitely choose to give it back to the Youth League, so thankfully you have to choose them to get the 100% completion. I mean, New Yevon just continues to hide things all the time, like all these spheres etc, how do they want people to trust them? Well, Beclem (the guy that lets you play gunners gauntlet) is such an ass, no respect for the person that brought about the Eternal Calm, actually, he’s got no basic respect for even her as a person, zzzz. Otherwise, gunners gauntlet is a pretty fun game, I’m not bothered to get the points but it’s cool to shoot fiends with different bullets haha. Shelinda being a reporter now is very fascinating… Considering that she’s left the temples because she didn’t want to be ordered around like a slave anymore, why does she still wear her temple garments? Where’s her makeover lol. Seeing Calli (the girl that was excited for the Calm in FFX on the Mi'ihen highroad) was nice, just because it really shows that time has passed and people had the room to grow up doing what they want. Not sure if chocobo rights are best argued by saying we should get to ride them throughout the highroad since I feel like they should roam free but okay lol. At least the chocobo catching game was a bit fun, seeing it surrender was so cute but saddening lol.

If Yuna really joined the Youth League and got a Yunie Squad, that would be so funny loll. But really, as a high summoner and the person who brought the Calm, I’d agree that she should stay as neutral as possible but side more with the Youth League just because they really do have Spira’s best interests at heart. Not sure what Tobli’s concert is for but if I get the profits, sure thing! Easy way of earning 12,500 gil, yay! The data seller at Guadosalam is cool too! Got 70,000 gil for selling the data to the right person! Could have kept restarting to hopefully get the 100,000 gil but I was too lazy hahaha. As for the Thunder Plains mini games with calibrating the towers though? I hated that, I remember the pain so well lmao. I could only do 6 towers and gave up lolol. Could probably do 7 but if I can’t do all 10 to get the ribbon, why bother? Hahaha, sorry my reaction speed and hand eye coordination just isn’t that great lol. I also want to preserve my sanity. We even got Tobli the musicians at Macalania! Really, Tobli, what are you even doing lmao. Still sad to see them talk about how Macalania Woods is nearing its end since the Fayth are gone… Seriously though, everyone needs help lol, even Clasko deciding to open up a chocobo branch needs YRP to clean out the monster arena and catch chocobos for him lmao. I really wonder what Clasko really did as a soldier if he can’t even clean up some fiends though…🤔 Oh well, whatever, as long as he’s happy lol.

Alike Yuna, seeing Zanarkand as a tourist spot never sat well with me, so if pairing up monkeys can make them multiply and cause a monkey problem that will prevent people from coming, I guess it’s good? Lol, nah, I don’t like the idea of Zanarkand filled with monkeys either lmao, can’t they just label it as a historical site to be preserved? Sigh. Lmao at the way Yuna holds the monkey when you’re pairing them up though, it’s like the Lion King🤣🤣 Seeing that YRP quite blatantly stole the Leblanc syndicate uniforms (and spheres!) at every encounter, you’d think Ormi and Logos would strengthen their security on the premises but nope, YRP easily infiltrates! Also, kinda disappointed in Yuna dipping in the hot spring on Ronso sacred grounds, Kimahri trusted her to understand that so I didn’t think she’d be like the Leblanc goons and do such a thing as well, so yeah… Anyway, Leblanc is so smitten with Nooj, I wonder if he likes her at all? Are they together? That massage game was weird though lolll, I swear FFX-2 has the weirdest mini games to complete. How would I know which part Leblanc wants me to massage?!? Yes, I kept cracking her bones LOL. Anyway, just wanted to say that I’m glad I don’t write walkthroughs because I’ve been steamrolling through these boss battles so I don’t even know what they really do lmao. Paine as a Festivalist, Rikku as a Psychic and Yuna as a Songstress is the team I’ve been levelling and it easily deals with everything besides any instant kill moves lol.

Hmmm so there’s some sort of machina at the bottom of Bevelle called Vegnagun that could destroy all of Spira… Wouldn’t it suck if Yuna brought the Eternal Calm but then they all get killed by this machine? Lol. At least Nooj is aware and hopes to disassemble it before anything happens, guess Gippal might give him a hand? Not sure what Baralai’s objectives are right now though~ I see, so Baralai thinks that Vegnagun is too dangerous and shouldn’t be touched, so he’s stopping everyone from approaching, which is fair enough, what if it activates because you come close or whatever, very risky. Otherwise, underground Bevelle was pretty annoying with all the jumping, operating machines in different ways to get chests, kinda confusing but I guess it’s probably worth it? Lol, always good to get a ribbon! Anyway, fighting Dark Bahamut was kinda saddening, not the way we wanted Yuna to see aeons again, since it wanted to kill them etc. I wonder what happened to Vegnagun and Nooj and Baralai? Where did they all go?

[bthump]

The Brightest Thing - A Griffith Analysis

Part Three - you made Griffith weak

Part One Part Two

To Griffith, the dream is emotional security. It’s assurance that if he’s dirty, then it’s because it’s necessary to be so, so he can keep winning for the sake of the dead. It’s a way for him to repress his guilt and self loathing, because when he gets that kingdom-shaped seal of approval, it will have been worth it.

So when I say that Griffith’s relationship with Guts is beginning to replace the dream, that’s what I mean - rather than relying on the dream to reassure himself that everything he’s done, even his very existence, is worthwhile, he could rely on Guts for that. He starts opening up to Guts, rather than repressing through his dream.

Despite Griffith's Promrose Hall speech, nothing actually changes on his end. He prioritizes Guts above the dream again when he sends a search party after him and Casca despite the nobles he’s trying to suck up to telling him he shouldn’t. He drops everything during the Battle of Doldrey to have a quiet panic attack when Guts’ sword breaks. His first reaction upon achieving a huge milestone on the path to his dream when the Band is officially integrated into the royal army is to find Guts and share the moment with him.

And boy I love how the chapter that depicts Griffith’s moment of triumph for his dream ends with Griffith just smiling at Guts across a vast ballroom.

The story between Promrose and the end of the war is filled with little moments that are suggestive of Griffith’s reliance on Guts. Another of my favourites:

I just hope he stays calm and composed.

Casca worried that volunteering to defeat an army of thirty thousand with five thousand men might be an act of recklessness because a predatory pedophile who took advantage of Griffith’s extreme self loathing when he was like fourteen is the leader of that army? Naaaaaah impossible, Griffith would never let that faze him. Oh and speaking of Griffith being calm and composed, this is my last battle, it’s almost time to leave.

But Tombstone of Flame is the main attraction here.

This is the second night of assassinations, and it’s a neat mirror to the first. Where Guts came away from Julius’ assassination consumed with inadequacy, self-loathing, and generally feeling like a monster, now it’s Griffith who comes away totally fucked up and filled with self hatred.

Between Promrose and Tombstone we learn Griffith’s backstory. This adds to the mirror image effect between these assassinations by revealing Griffith’s insecurities to us so we can understand his perspective, and it serves as its own parallel to this scene.

And this is the scene where we see that not only does Guts surpass the dream in importance to Griffith, but he could have potentially become a much more emotionally healthy alternative to it. This is where we see how Griffith could have not just prioritized Guts, but replaced the function of the dream with his relationship with Guts.

And I want to emphasize the emotionally healthier part. One of Berserk’s most consistent themes imo is that relationships with others are a superior way of dealing with your issues compared to dreams and swords.

eg, Godo, our favourite dispenser of wisdom, has some pretty telling lines to that effect.

You were right beside those irreplacable things... yet you couldn’t bear to immerse yourself together in sorrow with them. So instead... you ran away so that your own malice could burn inside you.

Guts’ personal growth post-Eclipse is associated with making friends; his backsliding and mistakes are associated with going off on his own to fight monsters; he begins to overcome his revulsion to touch when he becomes part of the Hawks;

on the rooftop after the Zodd conversation Guts recalled the night he killed Gambino and wondered if this was the answer he’d been searching for since then (family) before dedicating his sword to Griffith; part of his healing process for his childhood trauma is talking about it to Casca; etc. And Guts and Griffith’s relationship is very much included, even though it’s far more of a tragic missed opportunity.

The second half of Tombstone of Flame Part 2, aka my favourite chapter of Berserk, abruptly shifts tone from triumph and pure badassery to quiet, contemplative vulnerability halfway through. As a chapter I feel like it really encompasses the highs and lows of Griffith’s character, from defeating his enemies and cooly predicting Foss’ actions to wrap everything up in a neat little bow, to highlighting his guilt, self-loathing, and emotional dependency on Guts.

Here, Griffith opens up to Guts in an intensely vulnerable moment.

I involved you in this filthy scheme... and I didn’t even get my hands dirty. I left all the dangerous, taxing work to you...

Idiot! What kinda question’s that for the guy who killed a hundred men?

This is another scene the significance of which cannot be overstated. There’s so much to unpack here I hardly know where to start. Like... this is the moment. This is what Griffith flashes back to when he’s fucking Charlotte and burning his life down around him. This is a moment Guts remembers when slowly realizing that Griffith loves him. This is what the Godhand shows Griffith to get him to agree to make the sacrifice. Guts remembers this after Griffith makes the sacrifice. This moment is basically the linchpin of Berserk.

This is both a mirror to Guts overhearing the Promrose Hall speech, and a call-back to Griffith in the river after Gennon.

So first, the set-up of this chapter recalls Promrose Hall strongly. It’s the second night of assassinations, Promrose Hall took place on the first night. When Guts assassinated Julius he came away from that encounter wracked with guilt over accidentally killing Adonis as well, strongly and traumatically reminded of his childhood, and basically thinking of himself as a monster in a way inseparable from his own childhood trauma:

Guts is consumed with self-loathing, comparing himself to monsters like Zodd overtly, and like Donovan symbolically. He’s also reminded of killing Gambino, like, basically this event just brings a pile of old issues crashing down on Guts’ head.

In a concussed daze he wants nothing but to find Griffith, presumably for reassurance. I don’t want to get too heavily into Guts’ side of things here, but remember that this is shortly after he dedicated himself to Griffith when Griffith told him he risked his life for him for no reason. I think it’s safe to say that he wants that reassurance again, he wants to feel the same sense of being valued and respected that he got during that staircase conversation.

And instead he overhears Griffith telling Charlotte that he has no friends. More to the point, what he gets is Griffith’s dream blocking the emotional bridge that Guts is trying to cross like a troll.

In Tombstone, Guts and Griffith assassinate the Queen and this time it’s Griffith who turns to Guts for emotional reassurance in a moment of vulnerability.

The way killing Adonis reminds Guts of his many, many issues is echoed in the strong parallel between Tombstone and Griffith in the river. We don’t get to see what’s going through Griffith’s head the way we see into Guts’, but we can infer an awful lot based on this comparison.

In the river, Griffith asked someone for reassurance after doing something he considers shameful for the sake of his dream.

Casca’s response isn’t all that reassuring.

She cuts herself off in the process of automatically reassuring him and instead she asks why he was with Gennon. This is totally understandable and not at all something I blame Casca for lol. She’s a kid, she’s understandably disgusted at the thought of Griffith having sex with Gennon willingly knowing that he’s a pedophile, and she’s out of her depth in a highly charged, difficult discussion. But that doesn’t change the fact that Griffith probably took her answer as a “yes.”

Griffith then goes into his self-harming dream spiel, as he reiterates to himself exactly why it was worth it to dirty himself for his dream while tearing open his arms. What may have been his first attempt to open up to someone else in a moment of extreme emotional vulnerability was shut down, inadvertently, so he violently returns to his original justification and defense mechanism, his dream.

The saddest thing about Tombstone, to me, is that this time Guts brings up the dream for him.

Ain’t this part of the path to your dream? You believe that, don’t you?

Guts’ answer is a depressing double-whammy of both implicitly agreeing that Griffith is cruel, and reminding him that the cruelty is necessary to achieve his goals. This second time we see Griffith try to open up to someone is also shut down, inadvertently, and the fact that Guts is the one to bring up his dream this time rather than Griffith tells us that the dream wasn’t even on his mind. Guts’ answer comes as a very painful reminder.

Like, imo this is huge. In the first part of this meta I tried to show how wholly reliant Griffith is on his dream. It’s what he clings to as his shield against his intense self-loathing and guilt. It’s a way for him to tell himself that everything awful and dirty that he’s done was worth it, and that one day he’ll be able to prove that.

Well this moment shows Griffith forgetting all that in the face of Guts’ potential acceptance, until Guts reminds him and his self loathing comes crashing down on him all at once.

If his dream was what he turned to for validation from fate or some higher power, then now Guts is who he turns to for validation. He needs Guts’ reassurance that he isn’t cruel. He needs Guts to see his “dirty side” and continue to remain by his side - that is all the validation he needs now. Not fate, not a kingdom, just love.

The same way the only thing Guts needed in order to feel like he was where he belonged wasn’t his own dream, but the knowledge that Griffith loved him, the knowledge that he had after their staircase conversation about Zodd, and which dissolved after Promrose.

But instead Guts, with Griffith’s dream on his mind getting in between them again, says the wrong thing and Griffith looks the exact same way he looked when he felt like he was responsible for a kid’s death.

So, to sum up, Griffith feels self-loathing, tries to open up to other people to assuage his sense of self-loathing in the hope that, having seen him at his worst, they don’t see him as filthy/cruel the way he sees himself, and each time his self loathing is only reinforced. The first time he clings to his dream in lieu of Casca’s reassurance, while the second time Guts is the one who brings up his dream, in so many words pushing Griffith away and telling him to cling to the dream instead of him.

Each time the dream serves as a replacement for real human connection and love.

The first time Griffith was able to close himself off, place a hand on her shoulder, and tell Casca, “it’s nothing,” when he realized how emotionally vulnerable he was in that moment. But when it comes to Guts, he’s much too far gone to separate himself and play the perfect leader.

Now, as opposed to putting the mask of perfection on and saying, “it’s nothing,” with Guts he says:

Unlike Promrose Hall, Guts putting the dream in between him and Griffith and thwarting Griffith’s efforts to open up to him and take comfort in his potential reassurance doesn’t immediately ruin their relationship. I’d say that Griffith is very accustomed to seeing himself as a monster by now, so while Guts’ implicit confirmation of that fact is incredibly fucking depressing considering what could have been, it’s nothing Griffith didn’t expect to hear.

Guts remains the man allowed to see behind the mask and into the real him.

And then there’s this contrast:

This is depicted as a cute moment, but it’s also indicative of how utterly weak and emotionally vulnerable Griffith is now that he’s let Guts in. With Casca he was still able to step back and remove himself, put the mask back on, and be the one to comfort her despite clearly needing it more.

Now Guts is the one to put his hand on Griffith’s shoulder. It’s not depicted as a hugely significant and character revealing action the way this moment in the river is, but it’s a perfect illustration of what Griffith finally realizes after it’s too late:

And it’s exactly the moment Miura uses to show us how emotionally vulnerable Griffith has become to Guts. Griffith couldn’t separate himself when he tried, and now he doesn’t try, he just accepts Guts’ assessment that his cruelty is necessary with a sad smile, and intends to continue on with Guts at his side.

Finally, there’s seemingly one thing missing from this comparison between Griffith in the river and Griffith in Tombstone of Flame: the self harm.

But, well, it’s not actually missing, we just don’t get to see it until a month later:

And the reason we’re not shown Griffith’s self-harm scratches*** until this scene is because it’s actually another big contrast between Griffith’s reaction to Casca and his reaction to Guts.

Presumably, based on the other parallels I drew between Tombstone and Casca’s flashback, and based on the placement of these panels - Griffith’s memory of Guts reminding him about his dream and questioning Griffith’s resolve followed immediately by our first glimpse of those scratch marks on Griffith’s shoulder - Griffith self-harmed at some point closely following the assassinations.

One can imagine it following exactly the same pattern we saw with Casca: Griffith asks someone if they think he’s X thing he hates about himself, doesn’t hear a no, and then some time following he reinforces his resolve, tells himself that it’s ok, it’s necessary for him to do these dirty, cruel things for the sake of achieving his all-important dream, for the sake of the people who have given their lives for it, for the sake of making their sacrifices meaningful, etc, while self-harming. Just like he did in the river.

The contrast comes now, after Guts has left.

Griffith could probably convince himself after Tombstone that the things he does for the sake of his dream are necessary and important and it’s worth becoming a monster to achieve his goal. “You believe that, don’t you?” Guts had to remind him, but Griffith agrees. “You’re right.”

But after Guts leaves him?

When Guts leaves, Griffith takes it as a rejection. Those little moments that by themselves never ruined their relationship or amounted to more than mild rebuffs have probably turned into wholesale condemnations in Griffith’s mind. Guts saying, “just order me to do it,” goes from a mild reminder that they don’t have an equal relationship to, “I won’t dirty myself voluntarily, but I’ll do it if you order me to because that’s my job.” Guts saying, “ain’t this part of the path to your dream?” turns into, “your dream is paved with cruelty and I’m sick of being dragged through the dirt with you.”

Griffith winning Guts’ loyalty in a fight turns into Guts being forced to associate with him, and leaving as soon as he’s accomplished what he thinks Griffith wanted him for, thereby fulfilling his end of the bargain.

The moment Griffith is remembering here is our first glimpse of them together. “It’s funny... you’re the first person I’ve ever spoken to like this.” It’s a memory of Griffith choosing to open up to someone and share his innermost thoughts for the very first time. And he’s convincing himself that Guts was disgusted by him from the very first glimpse he got of the Griffith underneath the perfect image, and wanted to escape him since the beginning.

Ironically, we know exactly how Guts felt in this moment: “At that time he shone before me as something beautiful, noble, and larger than life.” It makes the choice of this particular memory all the more painful.

The other thing this particular memory signifies is Griffith’s driving motivation behind his dream. This is the scene where he tells Guts all about his belief in fate and his desire to know what he’s destined for - it’s our first indication of what Griffith’s dream means to him. It’s a contrast: Griffith then, just beginning to open up to Guts and explaining the pragmatic philosophy behind his dream, and Griffith now, falling to pieces because he believes Guts is rejecting him.

In other words, Griffith then, reliant on his dream, vs Griffith now, reliant on Guts.

The very fact that Griffith is the one challenging him, refusing to let Guts go without a fight demonstrates how far the dream is from Griffith’s mind. Remember how important it is for the Hawks to choose to follow him? How even when Guts first joined, the duel and the stakes were chosen entirely by Guts and Griffith just went along with it? Now that’s not even a factor. The feelings of guilt lying just below Griffith’s surface don’t matter at all in the face of Guts leaving. Griffith is now so far beyond distancing himself from Guts with reminders that he may die for his dream that he’s willing to risk killing him directly, in an irrational attempt to negate Guts’ rejection.

“I guess it’s because they themselves chose to fight,” is a careful rationalization, and Griffith is no longer anywhere close to capable of rationalization in this moment. This is what happens when the emotions he buries and spends his life denying burst to the surface. Despite being more emotionally open with him than he’s ever been with anyone before, he’s never put a label on his feelings for Guts and never even identified them to himself. He asks Guts, “do I need a reason each time I put myself in harm’s way for your sake?” he tells Guts, “it’s for those reasons that I’m asking you to do this,” he tells Guts, “you’re rough enough to share this with. To the end,” he tells Guts, “you’re the first person I’ve ever spoken to like this,” but he never tells Guts that he cares for him, prioritizes him, trusts him, loves him, and I don’t think he’s ever told himself either.

Having ignored and rationalized away his emotions for most of his life, now he’s finally run out of logic and rationalizations. He has no experience dealing with feelings like this because he lives in denial of them; I genuinely don’t think he himself understands what he’s feeling or why as Guts announces that he’s leaving, so he ends up lashing out through an established framework that he does understand, that Guts himself once suggested as a way to win his loyalty, that, might I point out, Judeau, Corkus, and Pippin all think is reasonable, and Guts is reassured by lol.

Griffith won Guts in a fight, so Griffith will keep Guts through another fight, because he can’t bear the thought of Guts rejecting him.

Which brings me back to the scratch marks on his shoulder.

He remembers the moment Guts implicitly agreed that Griffith is cruel and called his resolve into question. “You believe that, don’t you?”

A month earlier his answer was yes. He scratched himself and told himself that everything was necessary for the sake of his dream.

Here’s his answer now:

No.

He doesn’t scratch himself - he traces the marks, trying to remind himself that yes, it’s worth becoming a monster for the sake of his dream, even if it drove Guts away... but it isn’t. Now instead of self-harming he curls up and cries. No blood this time, just tears.

Griffith scratching himself is tied to affirming his dream and repressing his feelings of self-loathing, and the pointed absence of scratching here tells us that he can no longer affirm his dream or repress his self-loathing. It’s not worth dirtying himself for, it’s not worth the deaths on his head, it’s not worth becoming a monster, because that, he believes, is why Guts left, and nothing was worth losing Guts, not even his dream.

This whole sequence with Charlotte*** is Griffith’s attempt to fall back on his dream after losing Guts. Charlotte represents his dream perfectly - Judeau even reminds the audience of that fact in the chapter preceding the second duel (chapter 34). The key to his dream is Charlotte, and Griffith showing up at her window is an irrational attempt to attain his dream now, no matter how premature it is, because he is in dire need of the emotional reassurance his dream provides him.

Guts is gone, seemingly having rejected him, and Griffith retreats to his dream the way it’s always been a defense against his self-loathing and a way of repressing his emotions.

Take all the frightening and sad things... and cast them into the fire.

But again, it doesn’t work this time - it’s not enough to cope with the loss of Guts.

I think there is also a strong component of self-destruction here. Griffith knows how risky sleeping with Charlotte is, she even points it out while he’s standing in a tree outside her window. The King alludes to Griffith “destroying himself,” as well, and everyone and their horse except Corkus, stubbornly, connects Griffith’s meltdown after Guts left to the way he and the Hawks are declared traitors the next morning. It may not be a planned suicide, but it’s an act of self-immolation just the same, and something Griffith did knowing the risks full-well.

It’s no surprise when he lands himself in a dungeon.

Oh this chapter. This chapter this chapter this chapter. I’ll admit, it’s been giving me some trouble, not because it doesn’t fit with my point, but because it fits too well lol. I debated for a long time whether I’d try really delving into it or whether I’d omit some stuff and just like, ignore the fact that I genuinely believe this is the meaning behind it.

But lbr I’m taking the first option, as hard as it’s been to find a way to talk about this shit that doesn’t like... give entirely the wrong impression, because it’s basically the capstone to this part of Griffith’s character arc, and therefore this part of this meta, and it encapsulates everything about Griffith’s self-loathing perfectly.

Everything he calls the King out on is something he hates about himself.

You’ve lived on by resigning yourself to the monster [war] you envision. But you’ve by no means tried to harness that monster.

The second part is fairly obvious. The King was born to the throne and didn’t even bother to use his power for anything worthwhile. Griffith wasn’t born into that power but he spent his life trying to attain it, and just as he was about to succeed he threw it away, ultimately accomplishing nothing. "This is... worthless.” Both of them failed to utilize that power.

The first part, the mockery of the King’s feelings for Charlotte, was the part that tripped me up for a while, because frankly, it’s such a clear parallel to Griffith’s feelings for Guts, to the point where when I tried to write this section while ignoring it it felt like a really glaring omission, but oh man, let’s be real here, it’s unpleasant as fuck.

I’m choosing to give Miura the benefit of the doubt because while I don’t think he’s above comparing gay pining to incestuous rape, I do think, as I’ve said, that this scene is about Griffith’s self loathing, and Griffith considering his own feelings to be just as pathetic and grotesque as the King’s lust for his daughter makes a depressing amount of sense to me.

First I want to explain why this parallel is so clear to me because I’d hate to look like I’m making this up. So first, once we’re agreed that the King bemoaning the weight of lives on his shoulders and assuming Griffith has no idea what that’s like, and getting a very knowing look from Griffith in response, is as clear a parallel between Griffith and the King as you get, I feel like it’s impossible to ignore how neatly obsessive love for someone fits in as well.

Griffith’s feelings for Guts have been defined by giving himself in exchange for him, risking his life and his dream/kingdom for him, as Casca points out at every possible opportunity. And now he finally has given up a kingdom for him - or at least, because of him.***

We know why Griffith is in that dungeon. Griffith knows why he’s in that dungeon. (“He was the reason I’ve been thrown into this darkness”) Casca knows why he’s in that dungeon. (“Because you left us! Because you abandoned Griffith!”) Rickert, a little kid, knows why he’s in that dungeon. (“What I think is... it must’ve been over you, Guts.”) Eventually even Guts gets a clue. (“Was I the one who brought all this upon you?”)

Like, just to reiterate the main point of this meta, Griffith’s narrative so far is about becoming emotionally reliant on Guts as a defense against the weight of death on his shoulders, instead of the dream which had been his defense until Guts. This scene is about the King’s emotional reliance on Charlotte as a defense against the weight of death on his shoulders instead of using the “sword called the throne” to defend himself against that weight by doing something worthwhile with it - something to justify what the King’s subjects have been dying for.

And it’s no coincidence that the throne is described as a sword.

In Berserk, swords are coping mechanisms. Griffith is mocking the King for his emotional dependence on someone else to shield his heart rather than using his “sword” for that purpose, which is, of course, exactly what led to Griffith ending up in a dungeon.

The King goes on this diatribe:

I would give myself... even this kingdom in exchange for her! She’s my whole life!

What value is there in this world? Wars rage on and the people’s lives are lost like they were insects! After how many decades of war and how many tens of thousands of corpses, we’ve finally built a time of remembered peace, but it’s only for an instant! On the underside, the monster named war is always seeking new blood, starting to brew itself anew! In the face of that monster, the will of one land’s king is powerless! The wisdom of one man is folly! And yet I cannot cease being king! There’s no way I can stop! In this... blood stained, meaningless world... if there is one single ray of hope to be found... it is... warmth. Only warmth covers and protects me from this world.

You’ve taken that one flower that gives me that warmth... and plucked it! Unforgiveable!

Alas, my poor Charlotte. I’ve brought her up for seventeen years. She knowing no impurity... now that she’s given herself up to the sport of a commoner... I’d rather that... rather that...

Directly from the King lamenting that monster called war and the lives lost to it, to declaring Charlotte his one defense against the world. His one means of protection from the weight of “the lives of all the people, all on [his] shoulders.”

Again, Guts was becoming Griffith’s defense against his feelings of guilt. A large portion of Griffith’s story revolves around how his relationship with Guts is in part a coping mechanism, a defense against self-loathing.

And not in a negative way - remember, compared to dreams and swords as coping mechanisms, finding emotional support in a connection with someone else is by far the superior option, according to Berserk as a whole. 

Griffith’s expression of his feelings for Guts wasn’t altogether healthy, because Griffith is not altogether emotionally healthy lol. He’s an extremely repressed guilt-ridden obsessive dude who self harms and thinks achieving an arbitrary goal will justify his existence, and who fell in love, had no way to understand those feelings, and became very emotionally dependent without even noticing.

Hence freaking the fuck out, challenging Guts to a duel and thinking as he strikes that he’d rather kill him than let Guts reject him. But despite that, overall, we’re shown that Griffith’s feelings for and relationship with Guts could’ve helped him grow as a person, had their relationship been given a chance to flourish without misunderstandings getting in the way.

I’m pointing all this out because I’m trying very hard to avoid coming across like I’m saying that Griffith’s relationship with Guts is at all equivalent to the King’s relationship to his daughter.

Griffith and Guts’ relationship falls apart because of a failure to communicate and because neither realize that their feelings are mutual. Griffith believes that Guts is rejecting him when he leaves, but we the readers know that in reality Guts is leaving entirely because he loves Griffith and wants to be worthy of his friendship.

I believe that the parallel here between Griffith and Guts and the King and Charlotte is so utterly loathsome because it reflects how Griffith feels about himself, not because it’s anything close to an objective parallel or a commentary on relying on relationships with other people as a means of emotional support.

The King is nothing more than a lonely, miserable man who can’t find any reason to live beyond the one person he loves, while Griffith threw his life away over Guts’ perceived rejection, and he knows it. As much as he represses, he can’t deny this - when he curls up and weeps beside Charlotte, that’s Griffith failing to deny his feelings for Guts, and he later describes him as the reason he’s been thrown into the darkness of the torture chamber, and the sole sustenance keeping him alive. Griffith is realizing that somewhere down the line his life had switched from revolving around the dream to revolving around Guts, and he thinks it’s pathetic.

The distinction Griffith makes between the King wanting Charlotte to have him rather than having Charlotte is relevant too. I used to take this line as little more than Miura feeling like he needed to justify why the King eventually flees instead of continuing his sexual assault attempt - ie because Charlotte’s rejection was too much to bear - but it works within the framework of Griffith’s feelings for Guts very well, particularly in light of the second duel.

I mean

And again like, ngl I hate to do this lol, like I said I’m not thrilled by this parallel, but fuck, it works perfectly and I do think it’s deliberate:

The King attacking Charlotte is a parallel to Griffith challenging Guts to the second duel. In a way. Again, not an objective way, not in a way that’s truly comparable - hell, we get Guts’ inner monologue and he’s literally comforted by Griffith’s challenge while Judeau and co think it’s perfectly reasonable as former mercenaries - but within Griffith’s self-loathing mindset where he sees himself as a rejected monster, he sees himself in the King and his fucked up attraction to Charlotte. The King’s subsequent attack and “rejection” by Charlotte mirrors Griffith’s perception of attacking Guts and then being left, rejected, in the snow.

Griffith makes the distinction between having and wanting to be had because everything about his own breakdown revolves around Guts’ perceived rejection of him. Griffith thinks Guts sees him as a monster, and, through their duel, from Griffith’s perspective, Griffith was trying to keep Guts with him despite that rejection, against Guts’ will. In hindsight, removed from the heightened emotions of the moment, he believes his actions to be as pathetic as the King’s lust for Charlotte. He tried to “have” Guts against his will, when what he wanted was to be “had” by him - wanted by him, loved by him, accepted by him. He wanted Guts to want to stay with him, not to be forced to stay.

And of course, the supreme irony is that Guts did love Griffith, and that’s exactly why Guts was leaving. He wanted Griffith to want him, he just didn’t recognize Griffith’s irrational actions as a show of desperate need until it was too late. This is directly stated in the text several times, so I’m not going to try to justify this statement through a big tangent about Guts’ decision to leave. Here’s one of the most self-explanatory moments where Miura tells us what happened from Guts’ perspective:

So, again, the King attacking Charlotte is not an actual objective parallel; it’s a parallel when filtered through Griffith’s false framing of what happened between him and Guts as a vicious rejection, which ofc fits because Griffith is the one bringing it all up and condemning both the King and himself.

At the end of the day I don’t particularly care whether “If I can’t have him, I don’t care,” is taken as a super dark moment or barely a drop in the pond when it comes to dark things people do in Berserk. Judge Griffith harshly for it or go ‘meh people try to kill each other in Berserk all the time, he wasn’t even trying so much as accepting the possibility,’ I just want to draw a clear distinction between that and a father trying to rape his daughter, which I think is fair.

And now the King’s final condescending judgement.

“Such a worthless matter.” We know what that worthless matter is. The King thinks it was lust for Charlotte that landed him there, but we (and half the cast of Berserk, vocally) know that it was his feelings for Guts.

And on the very next page we transition to the King’s assault of Charlotte. The King is doing some projecting himself here - he mocks Griffith for destroying himself over lust for Charlotte (Guts) which is what the King immediately proceeds to do. This attempted rape decimates him as a person; the next time we see him he looks like he’s aged thirty years, and he’s growing senile - just as Griffith is tortured to irreversible physical damage after Guts’ rejection.

After Charlotte wakes up and screams a horrified no, we return to Griffith for the last page of the chapter:

Charlotte’s assault is perfectly bookended by Griffith in the dungeon, and the repetition of “worthless,” a word used three times in this chapter.

The first time it refers overtly to the King not utilizing his power to justify his existence and assuage the guilt on his shoulders, instead comforting himself with Charlotte, with the implication that this is how Griffith feels having thrown away his dream over Guts.

The second time the King uses it to refer to the matter that Griffith destroyed himself over, ie stupid, impulsive actions based on feelings for another person. The King thinks it’s Charlotte, but we know it’s Guts.

The third time is how Griffith feels about himself, a final conclusive statement after his mockery of the King's feelings for Charlotte, the King’s accidental mockery of his feelings for Guts, and Charlotte’s assault. The way this chapter is structured essentially tells us that the attempted rape scene applies in some way to Griffith’s final declaration of his own worthlessness, and hopefully I’ve made a convincing case for how it’s an illustration of his self-loathing regarding his feelings for Guts.

Griffith, thrown into the darkness of the dungeon, may as well have been plunged into his own self-loathing. “Worthless.”

SO! What’s left? The torturer rips off Griffith’s behelit a short while later, nicely symbolic of the lost dream. A year passes. Guts returns. And Casca neatly condenses this enormous meta into the four sentences I stole for titles and writes the conclusion to this section for me:

Griffith had to make himself strong - remember, that refers to the way he represses his emotions and projects his image of perfection, the way he smiled at Casca and put his hand on her shoulder after violently self harming.

Guts made Griffith weak because Griffith was starting to open up to him rather than repressing those emotions and relying solely on his dream to defend against everything that haunts him. Do I need a reason? It’s for those reasons that I’m asking you to do this. Do you think that I’m cruel?

After being rejected by Guts and believing that Guts sees him as a monster, the promise of his dream was no longer enough for him to rely on, and he crashed and burned in an implosion of self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness.

Griffith’s no good without Guts anymore because his feelings for Guts made him weak. He came to rely on Guts to sustain his heart, because people need other people, and Guts was the person Griffith needed.

Wish Casca could’ve written this whole thing for me, it would’ve been a lot shorter and neater lbr.

That’s the end of Part Three. The next and final part is going to explore how Guts growing more vital to Griffith than the dream leads, contrary to expectations, to Griffith sacrificing Guts for his dream.

Part 4 - Griffith’s no good without you

*** There is a common misconception that this is one big, thick scar rather than scratch marks, presumably thanks to the anime depicting it as such, but frankly, the anime got it wrong. There is zero reason for Griffith to have a scar there, and it would have no significance - Guts’ sword didn’t touch him, and if it had he’d have either a bruise or a gaping wound lol, not a scar. They are two parallel lines that you can see Griffith trace with two fingers right as he starts crying, and since we already know Griffith has a tendency to scratch himself, this leaves no doubt to me that they are two scratch marks, not one big mark of unknown origin.

*** I think the scene with Charlotte is deeply flawed, and I’m treating it as consensual sex in this analysis because I believe that’s what Miura intended it to be read as, despite shitty, misogynist, tropey writing. More on that here, if you’d like a further explanation.

*** I remember an old conversation I had with I think @yesgabsstuff and @mastermistressofdesire where one of you suggested that Griffith burning his life down by fucking Charlotte could be interpreted as a childish act of bargaining, at least subconsciously. Griffith trying to trade his dream for Guts. And I’m js, that rang true to me and this comparison made me remember it.

[khursheedsahardat]

Annotated Bibliography

1-Zubala, A., MacIntyre, D. J., and Karkou, V.,Art psychotherapy practice with adults suffering from depression in the UK: qualitative findings from depression-specific questionnaire., The Arts in Psychotherapy (2014), http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.aip.2014.10.007.

This research was carried out in the United Kingdom in 2014 with ethical approval of Queen Margaret University of Edinburgh in 2011. The research aimed to find out how art interventions are used by art therapist to tackle depression in adults. 5 art therapists prepared a thematic questionnaire with specifics of depression and were surveyed in adults aging 18-64. The limiting factors of the research were lack of qualitative data collection and small number of research surveyors. The conclusions give away that various definitions of depression were given hence the final data cannot be accepted widely and may be used with caution. It also said that the arts therapists use mix methods of theoretical treatment depending on the client’s needs. The results supported various theoretical approaches e.g. verbal therapy, solution based therapy, narrative therapy, non-verbal and systemic therapy etc.

2- Waller, D, & Sibbett, C 2005, Art Therapy and Cancer Care, McGraw-Hill Education, Berkshire. Available from: ProQuest Ebook Central. [23 November 2020].

 Diane Waller, Professor of art psychotherapy at Goldsmiths University of London and Caryl Sibbett, art psychotherapist, senior trainer and supervisor at British association of art therapy have presented Broadly theoretical perspective on art therapy and cancer care, this chapter of the book “art therapy and cancer care” is from the second part where the practitioners have contributed one case study in which patient tells that during her fight with breast cancer and therapy sessions she has seen the riches of life. Despite being fully aware of the illness of the body, the subconscious brain decides to intervene in the session and illness-free work was produced to alter the reality. Few sessions in-between informed severe helplessness and urge to fight the circumstances and few showed letting go of the pain eventually and being brave in the reality for what it is, these experiences ask the patient to come out of the mind and onto the paper. Art making demands next move continuously until you answer the paper hence you stimulate the brain.

  3- Gress, Carol E., "The Effect of Art Therapy on Hospice and Palliative Caregivers" (2015). Nursing Theses and Capstone Projects. Paper 211.

 This research was submitted to the faculty of Gardner-Webb University Hunt School of Nursing in partial fulfilment of the requirements for the Master of Science in Nursing Degree intended to answer the question of whether art therapy is effective on compassion satisfaction, burnout, and secondary traumatic stress in hospice/palliative caregivers through art therapy for the purpose of understanding and healing traumatic emotional reactions to events such as suffering or death. It was found out that emergency nurses in comparison to hospice nurses had more anxiety towards death and experienced symptoms of burnout. Emotional distance was the main reason of this for which art therapy sessions proved to be of better coping strategies that dealt with self-awareness, teamwork and cooperation by identifying each other’s emotional needs. Hence caregivers will be required to learn new ways of delivering care in hospice/palliative care.

4- Chong, C.Y.J. (2015). Why art psychotherapy? Through the lens of interpersonal neurobiology: The distinctive role of art psychotherapy intervention for clients with early relational trauma. International Journal of Art Therapy, 20(3), pp.118–126.

Chong presents in her article,  the relationship of art and neurobiology in her article where she discusses the language of the mind and the language of the art both as the limbic dialogue between the subject and the object, and hence she puts forward the idea of art psychotherapy as the most valuable and trusted intervention whilst addressing mental conflict in early relational trauma or intrapsychic conflicts especially in comparison of verbal therapy  and cognitive behavioral therapy, establishing art psychotherapy as the ultimate language of emotions and irrespective of logic as emotions and logic don’t really go hand in hand.

 5- Celine Schweizer, Erik J. Knorth, Tom A. van Yperen, Marinus Spreen, Evaluation of ‘Images of Self’ an art therapy program for children diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), Children and Youth Services Review, Volume 116, 2020, 105207, ISSN 0190-7409

 This study was conducted in the primary school of the Netherlands and The article mentions the “images of self” programme run through children diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder under the supervision of art therapists, the therapy type was particularly art based, the number of participants was 12 children between ages 8 to 12 and the parents as the source of primitive informants, as well as the teachers and art therapists. All children showed anxiety and were reluctant with the experiment at first.  The methodology used was mix and measurements of pre-test and post-test were determined, which collectively showed improvements in social behavior of children and happiness in the children’s mood was evident.

 6- Cassandra Rowe (2016). Evaluating Art Therapy to Heal the Effects of Trauma among Refugee Youth: The Burma Art Therapy Program Evaluation. Sage Journals, Volume: 18 issue: 1, page(s): 26-33

 The article opens by defining art as therapeutic tool where it is described that art helps heal mental illness and promotes self growth, followed by the importance of using art therapy clinically with the patients of trauma especially the refugees, emphasizing that art is so much related to symbolism and helps retrieve memories through visuals, therefore art therapy was ideal with the vulnerable refugees who had been displaced from homes. The experiment was run through assessment tools and the methodology was clinical and four validated tools were used with 30 participants with a follow-up to determine levels of increased or decreased behavioral problems.

7- Caroline Case, Tessa Dalley. 11 Jun 2014, The art therapy room from: The Handbook of Art Therapy Routledge Accessed on: 06 Apr 2020

This chapter gives detailed insight into the art therapy rooms where art activities may be carried out depending on the client group, the author has provided theory behind the practical setting of the art room, stating that art room can be a significant and memorable place for a client, because amidst of the chaos, the client may consider art therapy room as his/her solace and may use objects and his/her therapists as the remedial source of his/her internal or external problems. Meanwhile, potential triggers are mentioned in the chapter, for example an art therapy room by the view of a calm beautiful lake can also be a dark deep haunting because of the lake water where crocodiles can eat humans. Hence art therapy rooms differ with clients and are carefully planned.

8- Hinz, LD 2019, Expressive Therapies Continuum: A Framework for Using Art in Therapy, Taylor & Francis Group, Milton. Available from: ProQuest Ebook Central. [18 January 2021].

The chapter broadly explains the kinesthetic movement use in the expressive therapies continuum emphasizing that it is the basic mode of expression. When dancers move their bodies, they express through their bodies, without words, hence any assessment in art therapy that is preverbal meaning if we want to retrieve memories from the childhood, then kinesthetic movement can play a key role Kinesthetic movement and release of bodily tension are directly proportional, the more attuned is the body with nature’s rhythm, the less the bodily tension it carries Further explaining the importance of movement of body, the chapter establishes that according to research, action influences images and thoughts, which inform decision-making and hence action plays a vital role in cognition.

9-King, J.L. (Ed.). (2016). Neuroscience concepts in clinical practice. Art Therapy, Trauma, and Neuroscience: Theoretical and Practical Perspectives (1st ed.). Routledge.

This chapter covers basics of brain, neurons and neural network through which messages travel in the body’s periphery which is responsible for the humans to take actions and initiate and sustain behaviors. The chapter also establishes that just like every human is different, every brain is different and has it’s own individuality and pace of plasticity. And at some point some decision  makings alter the brain’s structure due to intensity and demanding nature of the networks. The chapter further talks about genetic mutations as they are responsible for neuromodulation as each brain has some factors under which it is effected for example genetics, gender and environment so  what we can do is When we combine multimodality imaging with a detailed clinical history, subjective symptoms, clinical observation, and objective neurobehavioral assessment, to define a patient’s unique strengths and weaknesses. We can gain greater understanding of the person.

10- Rubin, J.A. 2016,  Marcia Rosal. Cognitive and behavioral art therapy.  Approaches to Art Therapy: Theory and Technique, 3rd edn, Taylor and Francis, Florence. P 333

The chapter explains development in cognitive behavioral therapy and its models today, dialectical behavioral therapy, mindfulness therapy, cognitive therapy with both children and adults. The chapter establishes behavior therapy as the most ideal form of therapy in expressive arts therapy paradigm because it uses thinking to identify emotions, the feedback and reinforcement system of the brain motivates the brain muscles and instant creativity gives a sense of achievement. Making art can accelerate positive emotions because the drawing constantly awaits the maker to take next action, whether in a hopeful stroke or a stressful stroke, it produces an inner dialogue between a client and artwork.

[mikecalderwood]

Lessons From The TAO

True leaders pursue continued growth and mastery every day and never stop.

What better way to learn to master ourselves than to learn from the masters of the past. ​

Our coaching group “Project Stay Home — The Ultimate Performance Forum”  Lead by my coach and mentor James Arthur Ray and his wife Bear are, as a group, reading a book called the Tao Te Ching.

The Tao Te Ching is an old book of Chinese wisdom ( similar to proverbs but also a lot different) It was written by a Chinese Sage named Lao Tzu — Our group is reading a passage a day.  We are 61 days in at the time of this post and I wanted to share my top 10 lessons with you.

Heres how I did this.  It is not an article so will not read that way.  Instead I listed The lesson learned, followed by a passage or quote and then below that are my notes that I’ve been taking daily after meditating and considering the meaning of the passage for me.  I believe your gonna like this… Enjoy.

Here We Go -  10 Lessons from Lao Tzu and the Tao Te Ching

LESSON 1: LOOK WITHIN AND YOU WILL FIND EVERYTHING YOU NEED

"Knowing others is intelligence;  knowing yourself is wisdom. Mastering others is strength;  mastering yourself us true power."

My notes and thoughts:

we are living in a world of devastating distraction.

People are fixated on external focus of materialism and consumerism to find happiness and peace — yet depression, anxiety, unhappiness, and a lack of fulfillment are at all time highs.

When would be a good time to slow down?  Doing more and wanting more are perpetuating the problem and disconnecting us from our true selves.

It’s incredibly healing to spend time cultivating our inner experience or as the Sage call it our “yin”.

We are human “beings”; not human “doings” — seems to be a forgotten fact…

LESSON 2: BY LETTING GO, YOU BECOME FREE

“By letting it all go,  it all gets done.  The world is won by those who let it go.  But when you try and try,  the world is beyond winning.”

My notes and thoughts:

Enlightenment means to lighten the burdens of life in this world and to lighten the darker aspects of human character.

How do we do this?  The key is to examine our attachments.  Those things that we cling to in our minds so strongly that it causes pain and suffering and we don’t even know it’s ourselves that are causing it.

There are three types of attachment.  Attachment to recognition.  Attachment to Security.  And attachment to control.

Developing a stance of non-attachment makes you freer to open your heart up wider.  You’ll see the world from a higher perspective.

“To be content is to be happy with what you have,  and to be happy with what you have is to be rich.”

LESSON 3: LET GO OF YOUR LABELS IF YOU TRULY WANT TO KNOW YOURSELF

“He who defines himself can not know who he really is.”

My notes and thoughts:

Labels are the things you call yourself — tags that you begin to identify yourself with. Dad/Mom. Entrepreneur.  Doctor. Loser / Winner.

We put ourselves and others in boxes trying to define who we/they are.

What we whisper to ourselves has great influence on our sense of self and ultimately dictates our thoughts and actions.

Labels limit ourselves to the definition or box of that label.

Without labels,  you can flow freely from experience to experience,  emotion to emotion,  without being chained down to any one way of thinking. ​

LESSON 4: PAY NO ATTENTION TO EVIL AND IT WILL CRUMBLE AWAY​

“Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear all by itself.”

My notes and thoughts:

We can not change evil with the low vibration and negative energy of anger, hate, fear, anxiety, etc...

We cannot fight hate with hate or anything else with equally negative emotion and behavior.

We must seek to understand, overcome and raise our perspective and personal standards to raise the collective vibration.

LESSON 5: KINDNESS AND COMPASSION FOR OTHER WILL ALWAYS WIN IN THE END

“Kindness in words creates confidence.  Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.  Kindness in giving creates love.”

My notes and thoughts:

When one practices compassion they gain great insight into themselves.

The Sage puts other before himself and by putting others before himself,  he puts himself first.

LESSON 6: BE YOURSELF WITHOUT CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

My notes and thoughts:

Our integrity is tested when we live for the approval of others.  

Our highest thoughts become diluted when we run them the the filter of approval seeking.

Go with the flow of nature and the universe;  not the world and its masses.

If you are truly content with yourself then you do not need others approval.  

LESSON 7: WISDOM AND STRENGTH COME FROM REMAINING HUMBLE

“The wise man is one who knows what he does not know."

My notes and thoughts:

The measure of success in itself is a judgement and lack of humility.  

All good comes from heaven not from the world.

The truth is that great power can only be obtained through great love, great humility and the transcending of the ego (false self)

Only great humility is the cure for the disease called pride.

Sadness and anger are companions of pride whereas calm and joy are companions of impeccable humility.

LESSON 8: CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, SO EMBRACE IT, EVEN IF IT SEEMS UNCOMFORTABLE

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”

My notes and thoughts:

We must not settle into our comfort zone.  

Change is the key to life,  because,  despite change being seemingly painful,  it is forever necessary.

Remember the routine that has become your life is not the sole option available to you.

Most stop hoping for better things because most believe that every ending is painful and doesn’t lead to something greater.  This is why most resist change and seek comfort.  

Every change is important and holds deep meaning.  

Every change has the opportunity to pave the way for something better if the observer will l change his perspective to believe so.

In change lies life's momentum and progress.

LESSON 9: LEARN TO FOLLOW FIRST IF YOU EVER WISH TO LEAD

“ If you want to govern the people,  you must place yourself below them.  If you want to lead the people you must learn how to follow them.”

My notes and thoughts:

Rivers and seas are more powerful than streams because they are open to receive the streams.  

Streams feed the rivers and seas and therefore rivers and seas derive their power from the seemingly less powerful streams.

For a stream to flow into a river or sea and empower it  the river and/or sea must be below or in a lower position than the stream.

LESSON 10: ALWAYS GO WITH THE FLOW ​

“When nothing is done,  nothing is left undone."

My notes and thoughts:

Wu Wei is a Chinese saying that translates to the action of non-action  —  or action with out intent.

Rather than fighting against the conditions in our lives,  we should allow things to take their natural course.  

If we are willing to let go of control and follow the natural order of things,  things get done more effectively and efficiently.

When we resist or go against the natural order,  it take more time,  energy,  and resources to get things done.  

This is what Wu Wei means: to recognize the forces of nature and acting accordingly.

This is all about realizing when our personal efforts are being useful and when they are being wasted.

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If you're interested text me at 832-384-5587 and Ill get you the information to explore and/or register.

[michaelfallcon]

CBD Coffee – How to Move Beyond Pairing and Embrace the Art of Infusion

This is a guest post by Tyler Heal, a coffee addict who spends most of his spare time writing about his passion, coffee. He’s also the editor of Coffee Grind Guru, a blog that’s dedicated to providing coffee lovers of all experience levels with the knowledge needed to improve their daily cup o’ joe.

WARNING:  Before I launch into a topic that has seen its fair share of highs (no pun intended!) and lows, I want to take a moment to explicitly point out that in no way does coffeeblog.co.uk endorse the recreational use of cannabis, nor encourage medical use without first having consent and approval from a certified GP. Additionally, I have no doubt that laws will continue to change in and around the world and encourage all readers to stay abreast of the latest campaigns, legalese, and discussions by seeking counsel with their local and national governments.

Mary Jane. Weed. Pot. Ganja. Skunk. Grass. Reefer. Broccoli. Dope. Roach.

Photo Credit: Michael Fischer

I could keep going, of course, but won’t bore you with semantics since you already know what I’m talking about:  marijuana.

Cannabis, which is the scientific name for the entire hemp plant, is where we derive both psychoactive and non-psychoactive compounds for various recreational and medicinal uses (more of this anon, of course). This plant has not been without its fair share of controversy over the years, however, and has only met with some decriminalization in Europe (but not, and we repeat, NOT the UK), Canada, Australia, and certain states within the US. Of course, and what’s far more interesting to note, is that a similar little plant had just as rough a time making it into mainstream culture years ago. You guessed it:  coffee!

That said, did you know that since the seed was first found and ground in Ethiopia circa 800 A.D., there have been five attempts to ban it? The last go at it, cultural prohibitions aside, was embarked upon by the Swedish government in 1746 and, get this, due to the belief that too much coffee drinking would negatively impact the country’s beer consumption!

Still, and while I do not claim to be a scientist, medical professional, lawyer, or historian, it should go without saying that caffeine and cannabis are both considered psychoactive drugs and should only be imbibed with the utmost of care.

Seriously.

Even though you can find certain compounds for sale in healthcare stores throughout the UK, there are a whole host of laws prohibiting the sale, movement, transportation, etc. of certain amounts and concentrates. So, that said, while I promote creativity and education around the fine art of beans and brews, I do not encourage folks to go out for a cannabis-infused coffee, try a little espresso-con-cannabis, or the like in public or while operating machinery.

Whew, right. So, now that that’s out of the way, let’s you and I get down to the nitty gritty of just what CBD-coffee is, where it can be found, and, most importantly, can it be sipped, savoured and enjoyed.

What exactly is CBD?

You’ll recall from my previous commentary above that cannabis has a whole host of compounds. These can be either psychoactive or non-psychoactive in nature. The former means that you may experience a high based on the compound commonly known as THC. This acronym stands for tetrahydrocannabinol and is that compound, or cannabinoid, that is responsible for making you feel high and sending you on a trip.

Quickly, and so as not to bore you with too much science (ew, I know, right?), a cannabinoid can be thought of as the key to the brain’s many, many door-like receptors. The receptors that THC unlocks are CB1 and CB2, among others. These are most influenced by smoking or spraying cannabis as they bypass your liver and head straight for your heart and brain.

On the other side of the coin, of course, is the sometimes legal, sometimes not, cannabinoid CBD. While this little guy is still a key, he is unable to open the same doors and is the non-intoxicating part of the plant that is most often times found in edibles and drinks. This means that CBD is likely to bypass your brain and end up heading toward your stomach and liver for all the same physical benefits, but without all the sometimes scary side-effects of THC.

But what do the brain and body have to say?

So, in keeping with the above, what might some of those scary side-effects be and what does the brain and body have to say about the potential benefits?

First off, both THC and CBD have many of the same positive, physical benefits:  pain relief, nausea reduction in general as well as from chemotherapy treatments, reduction in number of migraines and their severity after onset, fewer seizures and magnitude of episodes when they do occur, and inflammation reduction, among others. Win for the brain and body, right?

Well…

Cannabis Energy Drink? Photo Credit: Aina Vidal

Second, and as I stated previously, THC can have some unwelcome psychoactive side effects. This cannabinoid can increase appetite (and I don’t just mean an increase in the munchies here–watch out Frito-Lay, here I come!), but in those persons who might be treating a particular symptom and who also have type-II diabetes.

Alternatively, THC and CBD can help with depression and anxiety, which may present as disordered eating or PTSD wherein the individual might need to be coaxed into going out and having another scone, muffin, or tasty treat. As for the brain and body, we’ll just have to call it a draw.

Next up, there is the argument that CBD and THC are detrimental for brains under the age of 22 to 23 and can result in an increase in suicide, schizophrenia, and, perhaps, dependency. Eek! Call this a loss for brain and body.

Taken together, however, and moving into my final point, you might be asking yourself, well, if all of that is true, then what should I make of all those newspaper reports about little kids no longer suffering from seizures and adults being ‘cured’ of cancer? Hm, well, I might caution you to read the fine print as, and despite the media’s best of intentions, you can’t trust everything you see, read, or hear on the Internet.

You will see from the above that legal, medical, and psychological experts, especially in the UK, are far from making a definitive decision on just how to classify CBD and THC.

What is CBD coffee?

Photo Credit: CBD Suppliers

But, and as evidenced in Wales and Jersey:  where there is demand, there shall be supply! The former is an interesting case, though, and certainly worth a look since you’re probably thinking, right, why coffee and cannabis now? Isn’t that the whole premise of Amsterdam and, er, coffeeshops?

First off, and I didn’t want to be the one to say it, but…

Sorry, Toto, but it looks like we’re not in Kansas anymore!

Or, Amsterdam, as it were, which is to say that even though cannabis was never truly legal there (it just came by way of a tricky ‘front door/back door’ policy) the war on drugs is finally starting to come to an end in places like the UK and the EU.

Amsterdam Coffee Shop. Photo Credit: Ricardo Liberato

That means you no longer have to find coffeeshops for a pairing of cannabinoids and caffeine, but, instead, simply root out those shops that serve coffee!  Now there’s a concept, right?

Still, if you do not want to jump right into an infused brew à la Bogart’s and other places like it, then pairing caffeine and cannabis outside of your body (with both THC and CBD eventually joining forces with caffeine within your body) might be something you stick with for a wee bit longer, assuming you do so responsibly.

Secondly, and if you rather enjoy a good cup o’ joe along with the aroma and mouthfeel, then you might want to note that cannabis is actually not water-soluble. Right, so, think oil slick on a puddle here and you might get an idea of how this coffee will taste, or:  not-so-good to the last drop ;-).

There are ways around this, but I really, strongly caution you against exploring them in full unless you (a) trust your supplier and (b) have a bit of organic chemistry knowledge. What I mean to say, is that CBD oil can be made into hybrid compounds through the addition of acid, which turns CBD and THC into any of the following:  CBDA, CBN, CDC, CBGA, CBG, THCA, THCV, and still more.

Besides the bad taste, coffeeshops and shops that sell coffee are a long ways off from developing an emulsified CBD oil that either takes to water (ideal) or can be added to essential oils such as peppermint, spearmint, cinnamon, ginger, or clove prior to going in your mug sort of like creamer.

Yum!

CBD alternatives?

I guess I’m just trying to be clear, here, that ‘the game’ of infusion needs some work. I don’t buy into all the hypeful claims and gimmicks, but I am hopeful that CBD-coffee could be a vehicle for greater acceptance of cannabis in the UK and further afield. That said, we all need to be good stewards of this plant (and its forbearer, coffee!) and imbibe responsibly.

So, as an alternative, I recommend purchasing CBD oil from a known source (GNC sells it here in the UK as well as smaller, certified shops!) and infusing your own coffee, using single origin beans to start and adding only small doses to start maintaining the integrity of the coffee-tasting experience so as not to lose out on mouthfeel, taste, and aroma.

A little dab (no pun intended!) will d’ya!

My Thoughts on CBD and/with/on/around coffee!

Cannabis is an awesome little plant IMHO with over 500 components and 104 cannabinoids that could possess a bunch of miracle cures.

Seriously.

But I also want you, dear reader ;-), to avoid experiencing that nasty last-drop of pure oil in your mouth and would suggest sourcing your own CBD oils with ‘hybrid’ cannabinoids for lighter roasts or indica CBD-oils for those who use the French press brewing method since this could prevent the ‘oil’ slick on the top or bottom of your coffee.

Ultimately, coffeeshops and shops that serve coffee are likely to continue trying their hand at CBD-coffee so that drinkers experience all the healthy benefits of CBD but without all the oil hitting the consumer at once.

Thus, should you decide to try a cup of CBD-coffee while out and about, just take care that you know the risks from the law and are aware that you could experience an increased heart rate, coordination issues (again, please do not drink and use heavy machinery), dry mouth, red eyes, delayed reaction times, and momentary forgetfulness. But go ahead and creatively experiment around infusing in the lawless confines of your kitchen

Regardless of your decision on whether to act on the trend, here’s to a not-so-long or strange trip!  Bon voyage!

  The post CBD Coffee – How to Move Beyond Pairing and Embrace the Art of Infusion appeared first on Coffee Blog.

CBD Coffee – How to Move Beyond Pairing and Embrace the Art of Infusion published first on https://medium.com/@LinLinCoffee

[gethealthy18-blog]

Comprehensive Ketogenic Diet Food List

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/healthy-diets/ketogenic-diet/comprehensive-ketogenic-diet-food-list/

Comprehensive Ketogenic Diet Food List

Comprehensive ketogenic diet food list Kaito protein sources meat fish and eggs Grass-fed organic beef try to avoid grain-fed and hormone injected etc Chicken free-range organic if you can Pork in moderation a lot of people refer to this as a bacon diet Yes You can have bacon but the nitrites and other Preservatives are not healthy Try to find uncured bacon or purchase local from a butcher and avoid the cheap factory farmed garbage in the supermarket's Pork is also higher in inflammatory Omega-6 and often contains starches fish in moderation fish is good wild-caught Avoid factory farmed fish as it tends to have high mercury content which can cause toxicity acceptable varieties include tuna mackerel halibut salmon Cod catfish trout Shellfish again pay attention to where it is sourced and eat in moderation oysters clams crab mussels lobster shrimp lamb turkey wild game eggs chicken and duck Cato dairy foods Dairy is allowed on the Cato diet You should only use full fat products and avoid skin Partially skin as those products will have more sugar and higher carb counts whole milk organic Only most milk is loaded with hormones Heavy cream cream cheese full fat whole milk Mozzarella Aged cheese's like swiss grass-fed butter full fat cottage cheese full fat plain Greek yogurt Most commercial brands are loaded with sugars and are not acceptable consider home made sour cream full fat ghee half-and-half in moderation check labels dairy alternatives coconut milk almond milk hazelnut milk cashew milk Friendly vegetables carbs from vegetables are counted NAT You subtract the fiber content from the total carb count to get your actual carbs Vegetables are good for you

So don't fear veggie carbs That being said you need to avoid starchy vegetables that are high on the glycemic index Potatoes carrots peas and stick to those on this list all leafy greens spinach Lettuce cabbage, etc Kale Brussels sprouts asparagus green beans kohlrabi radishes celery cucumber zucchini courgette eggplant avocado onions moderation peppers moderation mushrooms bok choy snow peas cauliflower broccoli daikon Olives Cato friendly fruits fruits are loaded with sugar Yes, they contain many nutrients They are nature's candy after all but you can get all the same Nutrients from vegetables and should only use the fruits on this list very sparingly Some fruits that have an immense glycemic load like bananas for example need to be eliminated altogether It is highly recommended to not use fruit at all until you are fully fat adapted Usually a month or more into the Cato way of eating enjoy fresh only and in moderation blackberries blueberries strawberries raspberries cherries lemon the juice squeezed in water lime cantaloupe Beaches nuts and seeds nuts and seeds are very Cato friendly But some are better than others when it comes to carb count and glycemic load They are calorie dense high in fat and can be used to provide satiety But should be used in moderation if you are trying to lose weight It can be very easy to overdo a good thing with nuts and seeds almonds macadamia nuts pecans walnuts flaxseeds hazelnuts pine nuts hemp seeds Sunflower seeds peanuts plain not honey roasted, etc Cashews extreme moderation These are the highest in carbs Chia seeds sesame seeds pistachios Sweeteners and substitutes, as you know, sugar and grains are a huge no on the Cato way of eating grains and sugars lead to insulin resistance And a host of other problems that keep people fat carb addicted and struggling with weight loss eliminating these foods can seem daunting at first Although ideally you want to get away from the taste for sweet at first you are looking for progress not perfection That being said there is a great deal of debate over the use of sweeteners Many of which are chemical Laden and not good for you others like molto dextran Despite having zero calories create a higher insulin response in the body than regular sugar You definitely don't want that So be sure that any sweeteners you choose to use are not blended with it many products Stevia in the raw For example blend this nasty molteau dextran with the stevia for cheap filler Stick to the following Cato approved sweeteners and flour substitutes and use in moderation For more information on the glycemic response of sweeteners Stick to those that are zero for best results

Check out this comprehensive guide Flowers and baking goods Are you a bread addict? I was I Understand the struggle There are some ways to make Cato breads and desserts and they are great in moderation The goal is to rid oneself of addictive behaviors and not to simply replace old habits That being said I do enjoy making Cato biscuits and breads at times and it's a great way to scratch that It's without breaking protocol avoid gluten-free flour blends They are loaded with carbs almond flour meal a staple with great texture Coconut flour absorbs a lot of moisture as a cornbread Of texture when baked ground flax can also be used as an egg substitute Psyllium husk powder oat fiber not to be confused with oat bran Completely insoluble fiber adds good texture and flavor and is high in fiber unsweetened cocoa powder or unsweetened baker's chocolate Be very careful with these products as they can be easy to overdo condiments and extras Condiments and extras can really jazz up any dish It is very important to learn to read labels so that you can avoid added sugars corn syrup at cetera Look for a zero carb and look for high quality ingredients or learn to make your own That being said there are many extras You can pick up and enjoy from the store Olives pickles dill not sweet or bread and butter etc Read labels Mayonnaise homemade is best without the low quality oils of most commercial brands mustard apple cider vinegar olive oil coconut MCT oil avocado oil Most cream based dressings ranch Caesar, etc

Check labels hot sauce salsa without sugar added sugar-free ketchup in moderation read labels non with corn syrup or sugar sugar free barbecue sauce This is my current staple list and will likely change and grow over time because I'm sure there are a few things I've forgotten with this variety of good foods it's possible to create amazing meals that everyone will love I avoid mentioning that I'm Kato to people who I don't really Want to have a debate with and they still love my food and recipes I hope if you found that nothing else works for you that you'll give low carb or kado a try It is a healing way of eating for many people progress photo The first picture is my son and I at our heaviest he was on homecoming court his junior year I Started Cato on May 24th at about this weight My son joined me in June to drop some pounds for senior year and to feel better The middle picture is his birthday on July 31st The third picture is us on September 2nd And we're still going he lost over 30 pounds from June to September and I lost 22 pounds in my first 100 days My Kato journey here is a bit about my experience so far with the Kato diet Initially, I started doing intermittent fasting in March 2017 Barrowman oops, some health issues and stress caused me to pack on 50 extra pounds over the past few years I was depressed feeling hopeless and constantly feeling ill and tired I read about intermittent fasting Helping to ease conditions like insulin resistance and started initially just doing that I ate for eight hours out of the day Fasting for 16 this started the healing process I noticed that my hiatal hernia wasn't causing me pain Reflux was greatly reduced and I was less dependent on caffeine to get through the day But the weight was resistant and I still dealt with strong mood swings hot flashes high blood pressure and other issues I only lost seven pounds while counting calories and obsessing over food I began to feel overwhelmed again And so I decided to challenge myself to overcome my carb addiction once and for all from March to May I lost seven pounds which is respectable But I was still feeling bad and thinking about having another 50 to go made me feel Overwhelmed feeling overwhelmed when you are a carb addict and stress eater is a recipe for disaster So I decided to challenge myself to overcome my carb addiction and get my butt in gear once and for all I've suspected for many years that gluten and sugar were problematic for me I'd cut them for a bit feel good, but gradually they'd worm their way back into my daily life Setting me back up for the binge stress eating This never-ending cycle resulted in spikes and crashes an insulin which created insulin resistance Pre-diabetes and the myriad of other health problems on my rise to obesity On May 24th of this year 2017 I added a 100 day Kato challenge to my already established intermittent fasting if Protocol the results have been nothing short of miraculous My life has changed in so many ways that I struggle to find words for it all the obsessing Counting running and other stuff I hated never gave me the health benefits and weight loss results I am gaining while on Cato never in my wildest dreams Did I think my body could heal this quickly? I recently finished this challenge and I am now dedicated to low-carb for life here is what has happened in only 100 days my blood pressure is consistently normal and often lower than when I was a runner no more hot flashes I am no longer on medication for GERD hernia issues I am no longer insulin resistant My IBS C is under control, no meds

No pain, no bloating No discomfort I have all day energy without constant caffeine My anxiety has dropped from an 8 out of 10 to a 2 or less every day my son's too He's a new person confident No attention problems, etc I feel ambitious Energetic and adventurous no more sad sack couch potato here I get things done every day now and feel accomplished My brain is fog free I don't walk into rooms constantly and forget why I am able to get focused and maintain it My asthma has improved by 80% I haven't taken an allergy pill in 45 days the pleasant side effect I have lost 22 pounds in 100 days as a paramedical woman and 7 inches off of my belly 6 inches off my hips and I no longer have a double chin No joint pain or other aches and pains due to chronic inflammation No more migraines headaches

I have not taken an OTC painkiller in 50 days And I used to eat them daily for my assorted aches and pains I feel more energetic and frisky than I did in my 20s and 30s, even when I was thin and thought I was healthy before

[ocbungou]

Thank you, Lynth, for submitting your application! Both mods have gone over it and accepted it for approval into the ring. Please have your blog ready by September 2nd.

COUNTRY. THE COUNTRY YOU’RE APPLYING FOR.: OC APH Hamburg

NAME. FULL NAME AND PREFERRED NAME.: Kaspar Bäumer

PRONOUNS. SHE/HER/HE/HIM, ETC.: He/Him

AGE. HOW OLD THEY ARE.: 28

ALIGNMENT. ARMED DETECTIVE AGENCY? MAFIA? THE GUILD? THE RATS?: The Guild

APPEARANCE. 1-2 PARAGRAPHS DESCRIBING HOW YOUR CHARACTER USUALLY APPEARS TO OTHERS.

Kaspar measures at about 5'11" if not a bit smaller. His barely kempt auburn hair is maintained only to the point where it remains out of Kaspar’s field of view, but other than that, little regard is given to his ever growing head of hair. Despite this however, Kaspar does put significantly more thought into his wardrobe, often having 7-8 outfits for any given occasion. On most days, he can be seen wearing a collared shirt and slacks, along with a vest and a coat should the weather require it.

More noticeably, Kaspar is missing his left arm and the sleeves that would otherwise have housed it dangle freely. In order to maintain appearances and prevent shirts and coats from being awkwardly positioned, he oftentimes sews his garments together to ensure that his cloths hang from his body in a presentable fashion.

PERSONALITY. HOW DOES YOUR CHARACTER INTERACT WITH OTHERS? WHAT DO THEY THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES? WHAT ARE THEY INSECURE ABOUT? WHAT ARE THEIR WEAKNESSES (3)? WHAT ARE THEIR STRENGTHS (3)?

Kaspar is a very straightforward person. Rarely keeping secrets or his thoughts to himself at all for that matter, he has landed himself in a spot of bother on more than one occasion. In his mind, life is too short to beat things around the bush and if something needs to be said, then it will be said, barring the most extreme circumstances. A pragmatist at heart, Kaspar does his best to avoid acting on his baser feelings, opting for more of a reasonable and practical solutions to problems rooted in the mires of emotion.

Oftentimes, Kaspar will view himself as a neutral constant in situations and is quick to deduce that those around him were the chaotic variables that upset an otherwise predictable situation, even if that is not even remotely the case. In that way, Kaspar quietly believes himself to be better than others. He believes, that while not exactly the perfect functional and rational machine/god of his fancy, he is more consistent than many of his peers, though he usually keeps those kinds of sentiments to himself.

Strengths: Adaptive, reasonable, cooperative

Weaknesses: Impatient, blunt, prone to violent outbursts if/when his past is discuss in great detail, will get annoyed if you point out his missing arm, maintains and nurtures feelings of superiority towards his fellow man

ABILITY. INCLUDE THE AUTHOR, THE LITERARY WORK THAT YOU ARE BASING YOUR ABILITY OF, AND (OPTIONAL) THE NAME OF YOUR ABILITY (THE NAME OF YOUR ABILITY CAN MERELY BE THE TITLE OF LITERARY WORK). PLEASE INCLUDE AT LEAST A TWO PARAGRAPH SUMMARY OF THE USAGE OF THE ABILITY AND THE DRAWBACKS.:

Author: Erich Maria Remarque.

The work: All Quiet on the Western Front.

Ability Name: Phantom Pains.

Kaspar is capable of conjuring a phantom hand from thin air and control it telepathically. The hand can move almost twice as fast as Kaspar’s other fist and is capable of exerting twice as much force. It is capable of being summoned and dispelled at any time in any place, so long as it is within 20 yards of Kaspar. The hand can be maneuvered into any orientation, regardless of its position in relation to the user and additionally, it need not be in view for it to be active and controllable.

Despite the utility Phantom Pains offers Kaspar, there are a few noticeable flaws. Firstly, should the hand be damaged, all pain is funneled to Kaspar and he would feel it as though it were a regular hand. In the case of grievous injury the hand must be given time to heal, similarly to a normal limb, although it does not need to be manifested in order for it to heal normally. Secondly, Phantom Pains cannot interact with Kaspar’s physical body in any capacity and should he attempt to have it do so, then the hand will simply go through him. Finally, the hand can grow tired and fatigued if used too rigorously for a long enough time and should Kaspar become too exhausted to move or is rendered unconscious while Phantom Pains is manifested, it shall remain corporeal.

BACKGROUND. 3-4 PARAGRAPHS GIVING A SUMMARY OF THEIR LIFE SO FAR. INCLUDE IMPORTANT EVENTS SUCH AS EXPERIENCES THAT HAVE INFLUENCED THEIR BEHAVIOUR AND THE DEVELOPMENT OF THEIR SPECIAL SKILL, AS WELL AS HOW THEY CAME TO PORT CITY.

As far as Kaspar is concerned, his life began during his tour of duty in Afghanistan. The 20 odd years leading up to his enlistment were nothing to him but a simmering cesspool of redundancy and unimportant events, all contributing to an unrepresentative worldview that featured humanity as a wondrous and beautiful wellspring of untapped potential. His parents, upbringing in Hamburg and academic years all amounted to but a singular lie that had his grasping for enlistment documents before he even understood what it was he was truly fighting for. He departed for the theatre of war as hapless and naïve as one could ever hope for. That perhaps is what he would look back most disdainfully upon.

With his brothers-in-arms by his side, Kaspar took to the killing grounds with wide eyed positivity. The kind of outlook that detailed only the best of intentions and the most humanistic of ideals. He and his unit were ambushed, only 2 days into his tour of duty. As the debris filled the battlefield and smoke clouded the skies, Kaspar threw himself in front of a hail of gunfire to protect the life of a comrade, whom only moments later, abandoned his bleeding frame. As his unit retreated, a sandstorm claimed whatever was left behind.

And thus, Kaspar Bäumer was borne anew from the burning sands, his powers awakening to dig him out of his former grave. After being medically treated, quietly taken home and discharged from the armed forces, Kaspar sought new employers. Over were the days of living for an ideal or his misplaced love of land and liberty. Over the next few years, he began to make a name for himself acting as the bodyguard for several powerful German politicians until he ran afoul of The Guild during an attempted assassination of one of his clients during which Kaspar executed one of The Guild’s agents.

Rather than resting Kaspar’s head on the chopping block, The Guild made him an offer to come and work for them. An offer that was readily accepted.

SAMPLE WRITING. 200+ WORDS OF WHAT A TYPICAL LIT RP RESPONSE FROM YOU (AS YOUR CHARACTER) WOULD LOOK LIKE! ANY TOPIC OR THEME IS FINE, WE JUST WANT TO GET AN IDEA OF YOUR WRITING ABILITY.

“I had nothing to do with it.” Kaspar folds his legs and stares down the police officer, who’s near foaming mouth was only inches away, “I’ve already given my alibi and I’m ready to leave, so why haven’t I left yet.” The officer snarls and snatches a photo of a corpse from the table, holding it just in front of Kaspar’s face. “You know damn well why not! The man’s been in protective custody for months, and suddenly he decides to break character and talk to you and now he’s dead!! How could anyone not suspect you had something to do with it, you armless freak!” The man jumps back as Kaspar slams the palm of his hand on the table and rises. “I suppose there are a few things I should inform you of, if you’re that thirsty for information. Firstly, you’re being emotional, and like most people that makes you stupid. It’s a bad look, especially when you don’t have looks going for you in the first place” The officer reaches up and touches his face self-consciously as Kaspar continues, “Secondly, as I am not under arrest, I’m leaving. That’s now this works in America, no? I’m going to walk out of those doors and not miss my flight, and there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop me.”

Minutes later, Kaspar sits behind the steering wheel of his car as he navigates his way towards the airport, his phone on speaker. “Yes…yes I understand….Yokohama, as in, the city in Japan? Very well, I’ll be there within 48 hours.” The call ends and he heaves a sigh. So many inconveniences, first the police, now another mission immediately after this one. “I wonder what it’ll be this time…” he muses to himself as he recounts all of the various tasks that he had performed for the Guild. Murder, arson, bodyguard duty, all miscellaneous tasks that he was well suited to. He reminds himself that things could be worse and continues on his way.

[vedinarose]

How a terrifying force of nature finally shocked me out of a stifling 13 year relationship

“What’s the sense in sharing this one and only life

Ending up just another lost and lonely wife?

If you count up the years, they will be filled with tears…”

“Young hearts run free” Candi Staton

I have just walked out on my baby father and partner of 13 years. I feel a beautiful sense of calm and relief. Yes, we had some good times but the last 10 years were hard. Rock hard. I wanted to leave constantly but stayed put until eventually, a horrifying, cosmic force helped me to leave once and for all.

The gory story

I was a precocious, creative and intelligent girl. I started playing in bands when I was 14. I juggled exams and gigs, with homework and rehearsals. I loved the chao of it all. It suited my wild, untamable nature. 

I always had a few boyfriends on the go and so did many of my friends. We didn’t have sex with them all. It just seemed natural to not rely solely on one man to meet all our needs. Our needs were varied and Sex was only one of them. 

We also wanted companionship, adventure, hot meals, cold drinks, thrilling conversations, shopping sprees, new books... (the list goes on!). Even as tender teens we were aware of the power of our feminine energy and the need to live in accordance with it. 

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 Men flocked to me. I enjoyed that. I loved people, I loved life, I was comfortable with myself, I adored children and I hoped one day to fill a house with them. Yet, I was always coming up against some form of disapproval and shaming of these desires. I was aware that society was not quite accepting of women like me. That was annoying, still I had no plans to maim myself for anyones approval. At least not yet.

When I was twenty I met a boy and fell in love. We decided to have a child together and I put the crazy “roc und reaulle” life on hold and  threw myself into home birthing, breastfeeding and attachment parenting. I loved being a mother but I found being in a monogamous relationship very challenging. Initially I adored my partner, but I grew restless and bored and after a few years I desperately wanted to leave. For some reason I didn’t.

Without realising it I had strayed far from my free spirited ideals and into a sort of humdrum middle class hell surrounded by other “lost and lonely wives” who were determined to make their stifling lives work for them,( or die trying.) 

I was painfully unfulfilled and unhappy with my partner. In short, I felt like everything I wanted was “too much” for him and everything he wanted was “not enough” for me. 

I knew I had to do something. My spirit sent me warning signs galore, (no libido, depression, insomnia etc- yep, etc...) but I just faked smiles, smoked weed and ignored them.

This is very difficult to write....

I banalised my pain with stock phrases such as “All relationships have their ups and downs”, “Gotta take the rough with the smooth” and my old go-to: “we have to stay together for the children”  and yet some vital part of me knew:

 I was lying to myself. 

Stubborn and perhaps half mad by this point I  kept up the insane charade, suppressing my feelings, telling myself that I was “OK”.

Yeah, so maybe I was drinking myself to sleep some nights, just before the rudimentary mechanical fuck. Yeah… so maybe I did wake up crying more days than I cared to remember. Yeah, so perhaps I was starting to hate myself and I suspected my oldest daughter (a very wise and sensitive soul) was losing respect for me-on the surface everything was “OK”.

My partner didn’t beat me. He wasn’t out chasing skirt. He wasn’t a drug addicted maniac. He made “OK” money. He tolerated all the eccentricities that I couldn’t hide. He spent time with his children. He was sweet and well meaning (most of the time). He tried his best. We had an allotment and ate organic food. Our friends thought we were a wonderful couple. Everything was “OK”.

So why was I so fucking miserable then?! 

Other women I knew seemed pleased with even less than what I had. All around me I saw them (seemingly?) satisfied.  They bought houses, went on holidays, balanced childcare to the humdrum whir of the “OK” merry go round. But all that stuff left me woefully nonplussed.

Because, what I really wanted was ”WOW!” I wanted spontaneity and excitement, I wanted to be rocked to my core, fucked into oblivion, scanned and dissected by brilliant minds who would push me beyond my comfort zone to inner lands I would never ever go to alone. I wanted to be seen. I wanted that or nothing. I did not want to settle for “OK”.

Yet some demented harpy in my head tormented me relentlessly: “How dare you want more? Don’t you know that the rainforests are being decimated? The Congo is being ravaged by multinationals hungry for minerals, there are children out there motherless and starving and you want MORE????”.

It cackled me into submission until I told myself, in spite of the gnawing discontent rattling through my bones, to just shut up and get happy. I went to the garden shed, took out a spade and buried my wild spirit in a shallow grave of guilt and shame.

Then it happened. The miracle. My “Carrie” moment.

Some of you may remember that scene from Martin Scorsese’s Classic Horror flick where, despite previously being thought dead, Carrie’s bloody, writhing hand suddenly shoots out of the grave and scares the living daylights out of everyone.

Well that happened to me in a very metaphysical way. The self I thought I’d killed came out to get me.

Late one night as I stood on the balcony snuffing out my umpteenth spliff of the evening a seething, demonic rage and volcanic grief erupted out of me.

“STOP DOING THIS. NOW.”

I felt nauseous and disgusting. I felt petrified and sick. It was a terrifying, otherworldly force that shattered and split my life into a clear “before” and “after”. I could no longer stand it.

And I left. Just like that.

Well. Sort of…. The small inconvieniance of having no money, 2 young children and nowhere to go kind of put a damper on the dramatic exit I would have preferred but we moved into separate rooms. I had become physically repulsed by my partner. Every little thing he did irritated me and it was impossible to hide how I felt. Fights erupted out of nowhere. The fucking stopped (save for one last disastrous time when my inner masochistic bitch came out for one final hurrah) and I crafted serious plans to get the hell away and design a life I truly desired, and I acted on them.

As I write, several weeks after my “Carrie moment” I am sitting in my own flat living without a man for the first time in over 13 years. I feel great. I am starting to heal from what I put myself through and I am focussing on the creative gifts that are my children, my music and my writing. I’m planning a new album and I feel unstoppable. I am a wild woman once again. I am free and I know that I will not be ok. 

I will be WOW